tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56958344201143764372024-03-12T22:27:40.787-07:00The ClotFighting Cancer with Spiritual Brass KnucklesBrodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.comBlogger216125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-82508058937156221092016-08-10T11:15:00.001-07:002016-08-10T11:15:30.250-07:00Mirror, Mirror...<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s August.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Soon the leaves will show signs that fall is approaching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will turn red, gold, deep brown,
and patent-leather shiny black.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is an autumn-smelling wind blowing over my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It won’t be long before I begin to rake leaves, go to football
games, make soup, and celebrate harvest.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure just how that happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where did the time go?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As any athletic
competitor will affirm, Father Time is the only competitor who’s undefeated.
Time makes life a blood sport. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Tempus fugit be danged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time doesn’t fly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It hurtles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Didn’t I just take down the Christmas decorations? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wasn’t I just moaning about making New Year’s Resolutions?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had another birthday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hung one more up on the wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are a lot of miles on the odometer.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Am I getting old?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ha!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget the
“getting.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve lost all my muscle
memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have muscle
amnesia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More like muscle
alzheimers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, I have
ample “flab recall,” more’s the pity. I hold up my arms, and the skin falls in
crepey folds and puddles at the crook of my elbows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose if I counted the folds, like the rings on mighty
tree trunks, it would be an accurate gauge of the years that have passed. It
really is later than I<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> think.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently, I went to Jackson Hole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stayed in a lovely lodge that had every conceivable
accoutrement…including an inordinately large magnifying mirror that revealed my
reflection like an IMAX movie screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WAS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HORRIFIED!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Optics are tricky, but I looked like a biological
oddity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A subcutaneous life form
spawned in the primordial ooze of the LaBrea Tar Pits. A fossil. The Missing
Link.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mouth dropped open in a
silent gasp, and in the exaggeration of this glass of horrors, I had the bite
radius of a great white.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, the
hu-MAN-ity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I did what every woman does when confronted with vicious
reality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bellowed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recoiled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hissed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
brayed. I belched stentorian gorilla vocalizations. However, being
straight-jacketed by my own morality, I did not give voice to the words that
were being spawned in my throat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But those very obscenities were turning my saliva to magma on my tongue.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My horror festered. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
WHAT HAPPENED???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could not believe that was me in the mirror. My organs dropped into my
shoes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When did I become
Quasimodo? I’m sure it’s an immutable fact of the second principle of
Thermodynamics, but I reeked of decomposition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been thinking about time a lot lately. Time is so
predatory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes no prisoners. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, but I digress. As I was saying, I became plagued by bodily
confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it about our
physical terrain that makes us crazy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And seeing every disgusting pore as a lunar crater with no possibility
of restoration without a dump truck full of industrial strength mortician’s
putty, can drive a woman to fall into her own footprint.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, I’ve got skin in the game, all right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s just the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mirrors are wicked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They shatter the illusion that one is a
mass of feline grace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But is it
wanton hubris, wild excess of self narcissism, to dread looking like an ancient
Mongolian warrior monk? I hardly think so.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cursed this mirror, ranting that magnifying mirrors are
nothing but architectural deception.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And yet, the evidence was glaringly undeniable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wrinkles, heck.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My skin is corrugated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m smothered in facial fault
lines.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One is the size of the
Continental Divide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another should
be registered as a repeat offender.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My entire dermis sags and ripples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are great hollows and gorges in a facial canyon. I am
withered and wizened.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I hold these wrinkles to be self-evident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that they are.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Needless to say, I was catapulted into depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I became aggressively, aerobically,
robustly inert. I couldn’t brain the whole day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had the Dumb. I just wanted to sequester myself in a yert for
the anatomically impaired, isolate my atoms, and feel the hurt. Where’s my
dopamine? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I realized for the first time, really, that I am a
casualty of programmed obsolescence.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this is preposterous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How revolting. You want torture?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is no terrorist more potent than a mirror that
magnifies. Mother Nature has a demonic sense of humor. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I looked positively Cro-Magnon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My hands were clawed and shriveled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My teeth looked like they needed to be
scoured by CLR.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My skin was the
color of Spam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a crustacean,
a mollusk on steroids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
haven’t even begun to go into the geriatric skin tags and nasal hair
reforestation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, we’re talkin’
woolly mammoth meets Jabba the Hut.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, I know there are those who could distinguish between me
and a prehistoric mastodon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
it’s a difference without a distinction.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, I know that there are natural laws that are
irrevocable, but why can’t there be exceptions once in a while?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would it violate some grand schematic
cosmic order in the scrum of life if gravity didn’t ALWAYS cause our component
body parts to crease, fold, dimple and mutate?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why, may I ask, is the trajectory always downward?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But what can be done that doesn’t necessitate a surgeon with
a scalpel?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Where can I buy extinction insurance?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, I suppose we all have blind spots regarding our own
reflections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, personally, am in
flagrant denial of the face that confronts me each morning. I think it’s called
“body dysmorphia.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Denial has its
place in any beauty regimen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is
the opiate of women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand
that. In fact, denial seems to be the chloroform of the masses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One has only to look at the current political
climate for verification.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Perhaps the solution is simple:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Stop looking in the mirror, and start looking out the
window.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be fair, I do have days spent in reckless celebration of
defying all dread, days when the world seems perpetually blue-skied, and I am
high on solar endorphins. Sometimes, the laws of gravity actually are
suspended. Those days have no mirrors.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, Time is predatory. But it is also elusive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just when you think you can capture it,
time evaporates.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Time is scarce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It is not so much an immutable force of nature, as it is a psychological
phenomenon. Perhaps it is the EXPERIENCE of time that really matters. Time is a
commodity to be invested. One would be wise to invest it in that which is of
most worth, and has the greatest value.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I guess the reflections in the mirror teach me the things I
must grow into.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every fold, every
crevice, every irregularity, each laugh line is a vessel of history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They all bear silent, but undeniable,
witness of the chronicle of my life, and all those who saturate my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is layered with loved ones, places, events,
memories. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, can I
endure looking at myself under a microscope?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
just wish the reflection were as lovely as all the beautiful things that have
imprinted my visage with such exquisite sweetness.</div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-76004119995365283582016-05-12T15:00:00.001-07:002016-05-12T15:00:55.856-07:00Tidying Up<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>T. S. Eliot
was right:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>April IS the cruelest
month!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I know why – it’s tax
time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the middle of a month that is a
veritable orgy of abundance, the Tax Man cometh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Taxes make life very untidy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My financial profile is disheveled, like a ballot laden with a horde of hanging
chads…and every chad is hanging in a different direction. My accounts are in
disarray, as if they were the hairballs that had just been disgorged by a
deranged cat bent on offing himself with an overdose of Ipecac.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When my investment adviser was showing me the numbers on my tax
return, it was obvious some governmental subversive gone rogue had kicked my
assets into a higher tax bracket. I was stupefied. I was wracked by jagged
breaths. I broke into a high-pitched lament, a primal whine, and began emitting
various unintelligible, wordless growls. Oh, the convulsions!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, the paroxysms of desperation!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, the tendency to hyperbolize!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, don’t get me wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m no miser.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I fully expect to
pay my fair share to Uncle Sam. But it was with great mandibular activity on my
wad of gum that I refrained, in the name of karmic justice, from flinging a
tantrum, conjuring a plague of pustules and imposing the likeness of Mick
Jagger’s lips on every inefficient politician responsible for tariff terrorism.
Really?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The amount levied by the IRS has
the same quantity of numerical digits as my accountant’s cell number! I laid in
a sump of self pity.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What’s going on in Washington? It’s hostile territory. Has
someone who is genetically challenged and teetering on the surreal edge of
normalcy, made a Faustian deal to test the limits of human endurance…not to
mention hapless widows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always thought
there was specific neuronal wiring that distinguished us from other
animals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After April, obviously, I was
wrong. Of course, I read somewhere that hemorrhoids have a higher favorability
rating than Congress. So, apparently, do root canals. Go figure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hemorrhoids can be surgically removed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That explains a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Washington is not exactly saturated with a
population of aspiring candidates for intellectual glory. Every time certain
politicians open their mouths, they subtract from the sum total of human
knowledge. Talk about a checklist of depravity. Perhaps that explains the
current state of the Presidential election – a mind-numbing drop in this
country’s collective IQ to a single digit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thank goodness April is also saturated with lilacs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lilacs are concentrated blossoms with a
singular fragrance, comprising the sublime whole.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are truly more than the sum of their
parts. There is never anything wrong with life that can’t be fixed with what is
right with lilacs.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lilacs bloom in inhospitable geography.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lilacs are a glorious lavender…or white or a
soft blush. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They leave one with a sort
of divine befuddlement…how could something so incandescently lovely, bloom in
tax season?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Smelling the perfume of
lilacs is singular, like reading Psalms to ward off fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There’s something permanent about lilacs, although their
blooming season lasts only two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
amazing that a blossom so fragile can serve as anchor to the soul…like poetry
or scriptures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I once said that lilacs have honorable subtlety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are a symbol of the deep perfection of
life, as well as reminders of anniversaries that give one a sense of self. I
never miss an opportunity to denude some unsuspecting neighbor’s lilac bush of
its precious blooms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When life becomes
revolting and coarse (witness the messy electoral process currently assaulting
this country, laced with vitriol and vulgarisms), lilacs bring a brief
refinement, a distinct grace, a sweet respite from all that is fetid in the
political arena, or any arena, for that matter. Now, I don’t embezzle any other
flowers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have my ethics, after all. That’s
not evidence of integrity on my part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Merely
the lack of energy to transgress with the same zeal and energy of my youth.
However, if theft of lilacs were a felony, I would plead guilty as charged. It
always gives me the most disturbing sense of satisfaction to breathe in the intoxicating
perfume of contraband lilacs. But I would not be convicted by a jury of my
peers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s mostly because my peers
don’t have the zeal or energy to judge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’d get a full pardon.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My task at present, however, is to tidy up in May the mess
that was made in April. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a book
called “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” by Marre Kondo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, the premise is: Power comes to
those whose chads are all in a row. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll buy that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s caused me to rethink my whole life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I’ve decided to (metaphorically speaking) impose order on
my personal chaos, knit up my unraveled sleeve, be aglow with cleanliness,
pledge to become chipperer, and smite dead the fearsome dread of THE UNTIDY that
creates scabby growths on my mind, binds the bowels and results in emotional
constipation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will NOT join the ranks
of the comically useless, or worse…the beguilingly incompetent, simply because
I flung a tantrum of the untidy, and caused chaos in the universe!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will be the Attilla the Hun of ordered, analytical reason,
the Mother Theresa of the methodical, the matriarch of meditation, the
gladiator of the shipshape…structured, logical, systemized…corpulently punctilious…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m going to change my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
LET’S. DO. THIS!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But…uh…where do I begin?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think that was a rhetorical question. (Note to self: look
up “rhetorical.”)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Carpe cerebral:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>seize
the brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The physical and the mental
do not have the same texture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before
one can put the physical in order, one must put the mind in order. Actually, in
spite of being naturally platinum, I am clandestinely erudite. And, beneath the
façade of conventional behavior, I am an organization freak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I throb to the rhythm of structured logic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If I am to tidy up any stratum of my life, I must first
start with my mind. Forget the corporeal. But before I can decide what is in
disarray within the confines of said mind, I must begin with what is in order.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is there anything lovely in the structure of my mind that I
could place before a tribunal of tidy people that could be for the well-being
and elevation of mankind?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I always like
to begin with lofty goals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Woman is
vain, after all. Besides, what is the purpose of any intelligence, if not to
serve others, and make them succulent with inspiration?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I will at least have the satisfaction of
having done my duty.) I refuse to be a casualty of insipid vapidness. (Note #2
to self:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>look up “vapidness.”)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, but I digress.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some of the order in my mind is not necessarily
symmetrical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the following is what
has managed to emerge from the clutter and chaos of confronting the worst that
is imaginable…and possibly extracting the best.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Being joyful is a state of mind, not circumstance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*You’re never aware of personal strength, until being strong
is your only option.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*The prime of life can be at any time of life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Being hugged by a six-foot young man you once walked the
floors with when he was a colicky baby is a singular joy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*While one can have multiple aka’s in one’s lifetime, (e.g.
mother, grandmother, widow, matriarch, etc.) one must never forget the
importance of being a woman.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*LOVE is the best medicine.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Expecting children and grandchildren to fill every empty
space in life is unrealistic, and places unfair pressure on all parties.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Rock ‘n Roll is still the finest music around.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*If someone is invited to grow old with someone, one would
be wise to give the matter one’s most serious consideration.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Optics are tricky. Dawn is a matter of intuition, not
necessarily visual perception.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Light can
be perceived before it is actually seen.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*It is impossible to be angry when one is laughing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*Broken wings heal, and one can eventually resume flight. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*True friends know each other by heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose tidiness is a matter of simple economics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life gets messy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You go through trials.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You learn from the experience. You keep
moving forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok. Bottom line: yes, life is often untidy, like an unmade
bed, and all we need to do is make crisp hospital corners.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
<o:PixelsPerInch>96</o:PixelsPerInch>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="380">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-65509033031386250712016-02-23T16:50:00.003-08:002016-02-23T16:50:25.956-08:00It's Just a Matter of Time<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Grief alters everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For the past few years, I have been living a well-structured
life of order and discipline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>La
dolce vita.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been slavishly
compelled in keeping everything tidy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No ragged edges or hanging threads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Meticulous synchronization. My ducks are all in a row. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I’ve maintained strict jurisdiction over the basic
components of every aspect of my existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Its very precision has allowed me power over obstacles and
emotions with fluid control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
denounce disruption or intrusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m closed and cloistered, as I dance the dance of the seven veils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">No jolts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
surprises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing to mar its
perfect symmetry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have custody of the empire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have dominion over all I survey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And best of all, I am the alpha Yoda to my tribe of little
Yetis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have even declined making New Year’s Resolutions of late,
because I wanted to change the world, not me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The world is witless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes the planet seems feeble-minded and predatory, and this whole
satellite could use a serious frontal lobotomy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">All this has created a state of grace…an exquisite,
impeccable life. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A masterpiece.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And what could possibly be wrong with that?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently, everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems, unbeknownst to me, I’ve been suffering from twin
surges of pride and delusional myopia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was a somewhat stark and rather unwelcome
revelation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it possible
perfection is not all it’s cracked up to be? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Where did I go wrong? How did this happen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did some of my ducks break rank?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Okay.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A while ago, I began seeing
someone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This flies in the face of all my decrees and proclamations I
disgorged with vigor, that this ain’t EVER happenin’!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would NEVER accept invitations from the well-meaning, but
chronically confused.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">With grim resolve, I determined to remain feloniously
solitary.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But with the passage of time, a curious thing happened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to calcify.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So one day, I suspended my habitual reticence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In this case, the exception was
justified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, Michael and
I have been friends all our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were even participants in each other’s weddings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When his wife passed away, it was only
natural that we would gravitate toward each other.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It might have been chance, or karmic distribution, but as
time went by, I discovered life could have even more meaning when raised to the
power of two.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also discovered it
was ultimately more satisfying to be centered than self-centered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knew?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Not sure just how this whole thing evolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, I had established my
universe on such admirable traits as being logical, sensible, dependable,
responsible, respectable, reasonable, and level-headed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But sometimes this becomes the refuge
for the weak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What good is it to
build a dream residence if it’s nobody’s home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Living in solitary confinement guarded by a phalanx of
Tibetan Warrior Monks humming Gregorian chants might not be as exciting as it
sounds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But then came Michael.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently, fortresses of cinderblock don’t count for jack
in his mind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At first, I politely uh-huhed his invitations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But then they began to take on a
certain appeal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He preferred
watching sunsets in Zion, and going on early-morning bike rides that tested my
endurance and made the back of my legs feel twangy, to murmuring mantras in the
lotus position. He has an aversion to too much intellectual inbreeding.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As a lawyer, he has taught me words like “scintilla” and
“tort.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to work them into
every-day conversation, like, “Wow! Take a look at those torts!” (Hey, I’m working
on it.) He also explained the concept of “quid pro quo.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I understand correctly, it simply
means that if he gets the movie tickets, I get the popcorn. It’s all so easy,
it’s a wonder I never went to law school.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">He can make a contract that is legally binding and as tight
Scarlet O’Hara’s corset, and then turn around and belt out the old novelty
caveman song, “Allie Oop.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Michael is articulate and fluent in French.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Recently he wrote, “Que tes revec soit
doux.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Loosely translated, it
means, “Darlin’, you have spinach lodged between your teeth.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Most important, he was Dennis’ boyhood friend, and mourns
his loss as I do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I, on the other hand, have had a rather confounding change
in attitude and latitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
been seriously contemplating removing the sewing machine from the oven so I can
bake cookies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like that’s ever going to happen!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But I do find myself wanting to pluck, shave or wax all
rogue facial hair, and firm up the protective arm flab that’s marbled with
juicy fat and serves as a playground where the Mbuti Pygmies of the Congo can
frolic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to become smothered
in muscle. I no longer hang out in long, winter woollies. I’m trying to soften
my architecture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I may be
multi-chinned and Buddha-esque circumferentially, but he doesn’t seem to
notice, much less care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Michael carpet-bombed my well-ordered citadel, and persuaded
me to follow the life I never planned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Sometimes we all need rescuing from the predicament of the
“perfect” life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps to be
fearless, but it’s not a prerequisite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe change isn’t always for the worst.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve learned nothing works out according to plan, but it
always works out.<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A relationship is a living entity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don’t know what will eventually happen, but perhaps for
the first time in a long time, I see alternate possibilities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe my myopic vision has distortions,
after all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m ready to take a
chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an adrenaline
rush.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Who knows?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Maybe it’s just a matter of time.</span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-50494158490113449282015-10-22T06:41:00.001-07:002015-10-22T06:41:27.074-07:00Pustules and Politics<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Autumn is a verb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It has a rhythm all its own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s that calendar season when leaves cover the ground, and doctors’
appointments cover the day-planner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After an interlude of several years, I figured it was time
to hie me to the dermatologist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Makes sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The skin is
the largest organ of the body, and mine has been getting larger and folding in
on itself of late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I wanted
every fold, pleat, crease, and wrinkle parted and excavated for anything the
least bit suspicious, asymmetrical, discolored, or resembling last year’s
Halloween candy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know
why doctors’ appointments fill me with dread.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would actually prefer sliding on razor </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">wire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As personable as I’d heard this dermatologist is, I entered
the office with ragged breath and emitting sulphuric belches.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Waiting is nerve wracking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When she came into the exam room, I saw that she was
officious, professional, and diminutive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I liked the diminutive part best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Just how much pain could a petite, middle-age woman inflict anyway?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently, quite a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Geez, that woman was packin’ heat!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She asked about my particular areas of concern.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And like an idiot, I told her!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">She examined the targeted areas with hands that seemed to
know more about my anatomy and the lay of the land than I did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had nothing on but a loin cloth and
the radio. I felt like the landing point of a kamikaze suicide mission. She parted
the Red Sea, and explored every gully and ravine in the terrain with a GPS,
sonar, and a gloved hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When she was satisfied that she had “left no Joan unturned,”
she headed for her artillery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Talk about “Carpe Blow Torch!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She seized flame throwers and Roman candles as she began
plotting out strategic assault sites that would have made Atilla the Hun
jealous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a thermonuclear
Jedi Master.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ripley looked like a
wimp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Then, nostrils flaring, she cranked up the wattage, as she
genuflected at the foot of a full-length portrait of the god Vulcan.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was Jihad on the bod!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I was panting and whimpering, wishing I could have had an
oxen ring piercing my nose instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would rather have eaten my weight in rubberized French fries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was muttering vulgarisms so potent,
they subtracted from the sum total of human knowledge. It was scorched earth
warfare that left me screeching all “Hindenberg-like,” “OH, THE
HUMANITY!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just as I was ready to “rage quit,” it was all over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She blew the smoke from the double
barrel of her oozie, which was engraved “The Blister Whisperer,” and returned
it to<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> her holster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Then she carved another notch in her belt, and swaggered up to the bar
for a shot of the “hair of the dog that bit me.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My face was frozen into a kabuki mask, white and stark, and
speckled with spittle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Finally, I was able to unclench my jaws, bloodied but not
bowed, and survey the carnage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
watched a globular cluster of pustules appear where there were once only liver
spots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were runny and
slippery, like egg whites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had
been transformed into an ambulatory placenta, viscous and gelatinous, so large
it had its own zip code.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a
mass of ooze draped over hamburger.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My wounds were so tender, I told everyone not to touch me. But
no one seemed to want to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most
people didn’t even want to get near me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As a humanitarian gesture, I’ve been wearing my haz-mat
burqa.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s my small cubicle of
personal privacy, and protects children and small animals from being
traumatized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also binge-guzzle </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">recreational dirty coke to replace my precious bodily fluids.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Luckily, it’s October, the month of Halloween, and my
grandkids think I intentionally look like a gargoyle in drag and wearing a
fright wig.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know what I’ll
do when it’s November. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don’t regret my ordeal, but given the choice between a few
minutes with Dr. Rambo and listening to three hours of political debates, well,
I’d really have to think that one through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both leave me gasping for air and ready to perform in the
all-male Japanese theater.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Actually, the more I think about it, the pustules will
eventually heal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>End of
discussion.</span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-32358952711307984322015-09-03T09:26:00.002-07:002015-09-03T09:26:23.970-07:00The Prodigal Blond<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When one is naturally platinum, AND a mental nomad, one is
not always aware that time is passing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of course, a feeble mind is better than none, I suppose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s September.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m perplexed, and wondering where the
summer went.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can account for
each day of it, but not the whole of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The grandchildren are all back in school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far there have been few problems
that can’t be explained <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>by
aggravated puberty. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems so quiet. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">School started earlier than usual this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The annual ritual of delivering
children on the first day sun-browned and solar-bleached to their classrooms
never seems to get easier, especially for grandmas whose hearts are collateral
damage to the education system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
guess I’ll always be reluctant to share custody.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a veteran by-stander to hard moments.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Because school started earlier, so did autumn, proving that
fall is not regulated by the calendar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love the harvest season, even though it forces me to adjust my
circadian rhythm from vacation standard time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Our family took a road trip to Washington state in July. Talk
about malfeasance in grandparenthood! But it seemed like a good idea at the
time. Being cocooned in an enclosed container traveling at 80 m.p.h. down a
freeway with pre-pubescent adolescents for extended periods of time makes me wonder
just why we don’t eat our young.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
actually affects the lungs, like a suck of immense force and duration. But any
grandparent who braves such an adventure and survives, learns a lot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s predatory knowledge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve become a living proverb.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Learn from me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So the following is my essay on “Things I Learned This
Summer.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Facial Coding.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I
learned very quickly that when the kids begin to look bored, it is only a
matter of minutes before they are fighting like Philistines.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">Now, I’m not averse to the shedding of
a little blood now and then, but not in my new Lexus.</span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Possible Solutions to Sibling Carnage:</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">a.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hurl empty threats that have lain fallow since our last
family trip, without the remotest possibility of exacting consequences. My
personal and most impotent favorite:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>NON-SURGICAL LOBOTOMIES FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, as every grandparent knows, empty threats are the
prized conduit of faux authority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">b.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Point out that the aforementioned culprits have
all just bartered away their birthrights-their dreams of an inheritance…peat
moss!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Note to self:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Skyrocket the eyebrows while issuing
threat.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">c.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Appeal to the better angels of their nature by
reminding them we are a “forever family” and then bleating vulgarisms at
decibels greater than their tantrums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The cosmos completely absolves any matriarch who mutters harsh language
on family excursions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">d.<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->Blow vuvuzelas till my eyeballs are bulging,
veined and cavernous, hoping the annoyance </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">threshold sends them insane, and they are forced to seek silence in compliance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: .75in; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(FYI:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My new favorite word:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“persevere.”)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Speaking of facial coding, we have all learned from
experience that when Beckham goes red, then white, then blue in rapid
succession, he is not being patriotic, he’s nauseous. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So we pull over, grab the emergency emisis
bucket and pray the projectile actually hits the intended basin.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I also learned a lot about music.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been said that music calms the savage beast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say, it depends on the music.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After extensive periods of time listening to the current
hits, I am now very well acquainted with Pink, One Direction, Imagine Dragons,
Katy Perry, and Lady Antebellum. I like today’s artists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But a steady diet of “We’re never,
ever, ever, ever, ever getting back together,” can actually produce polyps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hippocrates declared that fact an immutable law of anatomy
hundreds of years ago. He was a grandparent at the time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, knowing that music can be therapeutic in treating mental
illness, enhance mood and calm agitation, I suggested some old-fashioned rock
‘n roll, maybe even something mellow like Simon and Garfunkel or James Taylor, or
Barry Manilow, or how about The Beatles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The ensuing protests were louder than a Donald Trump rant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kids were making exaggerated gagging
gestures in hunched bundles, and putting garlic around the windows of the car
to ward off evil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They feared a
protracted discussion of “the good old days,” and the accompanying stroll down
memory lane. Then they’d text comatose emojis to the cousin sitting next to
them and sarcastically remark that they were “feelin’ groovy.” There seemed to
be something going unsaid here. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I tried my own
facial coding, but a smirk looks absurd in the adult species.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all worked
to establish token distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I had the distinct impression they could look at my face and
calculate the half-life of plutonium simply by counting the wrinkles and
dividing by my bra size.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
looked at me like I was primal woman squinting at extinction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure they were expecting death
rigors at any moment. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was the classic clash of generations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could barely refrain from
shrieking…”Back in the day…”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Job
has nothing up on a grandma on a roadtrip!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Learning absolutely nothing from Washington, and in a state
of moronic optimism, I took the gang to Cedar City for the annual Shakespeare
Festival. My biggest challenge was convincing my tribe that </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Shakespeare and I
were not classmates. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We had seats on the front row, and I prayed the grandkids
wouldn’t pick any orifice on their faces, belch the National Anthem with their
hands cupped over their armpits while<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> making simulated
flatulent noises, and make me fear my internal organs would drop to my shoes…
or do anything to cause me to wish for a retroactive contraceptive pill. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Astonishingly, they did not do anything that was socially
unacceptable, or couldn’t be explained away by an undeveloped frontal cortex.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was all good.</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And now it’s fall. The
offspring have returned to class, and I, the eternal platinum prodigal, am
singing, “I </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">am the eye of the tiger, and you’re gonna hear me
roooaaaarrrrrr.” It enhances my
mood, calms my agitation, and helps me keep from missing the younger generation
too much.</span></span><!--EndFragment-->Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-20399907865793638662015-07-17T07:44:00.001-07:002015-07-17T07:44:29.406-07:00When Bad Brains Happen to Good People<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Recently, I received a catalog from “The Vermont Country
Store.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its products are an
excursion in nostalgia, and include everything from Old Spice soap-on-a-rope to
Midnight In Paris perfume.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ah, the
memories of the olfactory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Coincidentally, I had just been watching a rerun of the
original “The Brain That Wouldn’t Die,” and was craving a Kress hot dog with
relish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was then that I noticed the headlines of the Tribune
proclaiming the news:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dracula was
dead!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Christopher Lee, the actor
who portrayed the iconic figure of fear, was 93 at the time of his passing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I thought he was much older.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, that face, that fiend, those fangs…gone! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Lee had been knighted by Prince Charles at Buckingham
Palace, and became “Sir” Christopher Lee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But titles be danged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
will always be “Count” Dracula to me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As the intricate iconic creature conjured from the stuff of
nightmares by Bram Stoker, the guy transformed coagulating blood clots into
full course meals, extracted from the jugulars of willowy but stupid blond
women.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He liked stupid brunettes,
too.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This vampire would materialize from the misty woods all
spooky, incandescent, aerodynamic, and morph from biped to bat in the twinkling
of an eye, catapulting me into oxygen debt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His was a strange and palpable menace that unnerved me to
the core.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After seeing “Horror of
Dracula,” I kept telling myself that this was preposterous , fictional nonsense,
but I could never quite shake the feeling I was being watched.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I, too, am blond, stupid and endowed
with fully-engorged corpuscles.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
draped my windows with garlic left over from dinner to push down my unease, and
I filled my emergency first-aid kit with sharpened steak knives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(It was the closest thing to actual stakes
I could find.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And there was never any comic relief in these Hammer
movies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dracula was no Uncle
Fester.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was a graduate emeritus
from the School of the Disembodied. He was impulse without conscience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">His eyes were hollow with shadows
underneath.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He’d pull back his
Mick Jagger lips and unsheathe incisors searching for high volume capillaries
for his nocturnal banquet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(He was
on a totally liquid diet.) His pointy fangs were self-correcting devices
concealed behind a pasty mouth, capable of puncturing a carotid artery with the
surgical skill of Nurse Ratchet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The singular incriminating evidence of his presence were two puncture
wounds on the victim’s neck that only Dr. Van Helsing knew were not mosquito
bites, but the sinister ravages of a fiend bent on binge sucking from the
jugulars of the vacuously dull-witted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is all prelude to the ultimate question. With Dracula
down for the count comes this simple dilemma:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, what have I to fear? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s certainly not fear itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I should go for delusional paranoia. That covers a
multitude of possibilities for dread and is also vocabularily impressive. Of
course, the up-coming presidential elections are enough to strike fear even in
the stout-hearted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a
conundrum. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Surely we’re not <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>expected to live life undaunted, without
a single daunt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We must have
something to be afraid of. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose we
all have moments when hiding under the covers is the only solution to a bad
case of “The Creeps.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have times
when I wish I had a purely ornamental African war mask to hide behind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I get a glimpse of myself first
thing in the morning and realize…I do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I no longer fret about alien abduction. That’s sooo last year. That phobia has since been replaced by
something more sinister, more ominous: my personal suspicion that our brains have become weakened by
too much intellectual inbreeding from today’s technology. Like The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. Now
there’s a reason for trepidation.
It has turned us into a nation of feeble minds, spongey cortexes, where
we only communicate in abbrs. and smiley faces. :)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In fact, I read recently that goldfish have a longer
attention span than most people:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Goldfish – 9 seconds;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Humans – 8. Wow! Bested by a set of gills and a pucker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had rather hoped mankind was a little higher up on the
evolutionary scale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stand
corrected.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Species evolve according to what they’re good at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have always wanted to evolve into a
powerful mind, one with an attention span that might expand to 10 seconds…and
even beyond.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t need the
intellectual huskiness to break cinder blocks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I would like to bend spoons with my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t want to rely on technology
to do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I want to generate wildly complicated concepts like abstract
reasoning, humor, logic, deduction and imagination, concentration, and mental
engineering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be the
anti-Donald Trump.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I’d like to deliver a sermon like the Gettysburg Address or
Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sadly, the closest I can get to Dr. King’s address is
“I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HAVE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>INSOMNIA.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Doesn’t have the same ring.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It seems the brain actually needs to have sleep to have a
dream.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hmmmm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I always considered sleep an expendable
commodity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whenever <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had too much to do, I would simply go
to bed later and get up earlier.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
would out-run the sun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What could
possibly go wrong?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Apparently everything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Insufficient sleep has side effects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can bear witness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suffer from wheezing levers and my
steam engine is out of steam.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
pant before I exert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not good.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I just learned that bodies NEED sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we sleep, our brain goes into
housekeeping mode, and cerebrospinal fluid mops away metabolic wastes that have
accumulated during the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It appears <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have been hoarding <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>metabolic
wastes over the years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My head is
full of mental clutter; dust bunnies of the brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a slovenly cranium.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Lack of sleep causes us to be unable to concentrate, grumpy
(oh, yeah!) accident prone, clumsy, forgetful…and I can’t remember what
else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Toxic waste products collect in the brain (aka “brain poop”)
and this results in brain shrinkage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Seriously, brain shrinkage???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Although I must admit I often get lost in small thoughts…teeny, weeny
microscopic thoughts.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The brain areas where cells are lost are the ones that
regulate decision-making, emotions, alertness, learning, attention, recall,
memory, and…I lost my train of thought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This condition is known as BAD BRAINS IN GOOD PEOPLE.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I suffer from this affliction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waddle through my day with the heavy inertia of the sleep
deprived, like I’ve been non-surgically lobotomized.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t seem to decide if I should stage my own intervention
and commit myself to an institution for the criminally geriatric, or write a
book of memoirs based on the decomposition of brain cells called “50 Shades of
Gray…Matter.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Insomnia cannibalizes the brain. So does technology. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Therefore, after 8 seconds of monumental
concentration, I’ve come up with a plan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have decided to get more sleep. And then I’m going to buy a goldfish
to gauge any improvement in mental acuity, and try to elevate my intellect to a
level of inspired befuddlement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ll become a GEYSER OF JOYFUL ERUDITION!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I will up my torque ratio, whatever that is, and smother my
brain in muscle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m tired of midgety
synapses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No more brain flab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll immerse myself in sleep, until I’m
neurologically ripped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will
wither the world’s phrenologists with awe, and live out my life in tranquil
cognition.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I will reverse the ravages of Bad Brains<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>
In Good People Syndrome, and when I’m done, I will bend not just spoons, but
all the steak knives I’ve been hoarding in my storage supply for emergency vampire
invasions.</span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But I must admit I would like to return to a simpler time,
to the days of yore when Kress, not Costco, supplied all our nutritional needs,
real men smelled like Old Spice and women like Midnight in Paris, “The Brain
That Wouldn’t Die” was playing at the Bijou, there were no computers, and the
only thing we had to fear was…Dracula himself.</span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-31121697400828496762015-06-07T15:26:00.001-07:002015-06-07T15:26:16.424-07:00Existential Angst
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Lately I’ve been aware of certain cosmic absurdities in
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the last few days, I’ve
received missives, memos, communiques and sales pitches persuading me to
pre-pay my own cremation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">According to the Neptune Society, which seems to have me
demographically impaled on its trident, there are a whole host of reasons this
is a good idea – none the least of which is “less impact on the environment.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Impact on the environment??? Until now, I hadn’t given the
matter much consideration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just
figured I’d croak, degenerate into detritus, and become mulch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now that’s being environmentally
responsible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I don’t want to
become mulch BEFORE my time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll “go
green” when the time is right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">However, following close behind that bit of unsolicited
advertising, came an ad featuring a cartoon monkey, looking perplexed as he was
dangling over a cliff suspended by a branch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The caption:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Don’t get caught
without your (cemetery) plot.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(This
full-service establishment also offers cremation options.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, according to MY agenda, this seems just a bit
premature.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Memo to crematoriums
everywhere:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not ready to get smoked
just yet!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What an affront to the sacred rhythm of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There I was, swaddled in my blanket womb, underarm
rings on my jammies from a fever, and a migraine headache that should be
registered as a weapon of mass destruction. And I’m assaulted by advertising
pustules obese from the appearance of the virtue of charity, trying to extract
loose change from my sofa cushions!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
is absurdity on steroids.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Granted, I felt lousy. Perhaps a little irritable. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a whiter shade of pale.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My entrails had turned to filmy slime, and
what color I had in my face looked congealed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I had eyes like a racoon, and I felt like my head had given sanctuary to
a stegosaurus. Fevered delirium is not the best time for salesmen ready to
light my fire.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But there is something inherently faulty with the reasoning
in these ads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They must be the product
of moronic nitwits with vegetative brains from breathing head-lightening
quantities of CO2. I’m still irritable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, these executives are cunning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They try to get to us before we’re detritus,
just so they can make an ash out of us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So in an exercise born of utter boredom, I came up with some
macabre jingles that significantly raised the ridiculousness bar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are the product of an arrestingly
unhinged mind.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt 0.5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Don’t wait to cremate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Return to burn.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
We have “no-fault” vaults – for those who are
without sin.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
For a small retainer, we provide your
container.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Basket to Casket Funeral
Parlor</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Ferment in our cement.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Bring your flab to our slab.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Stay calm – we embalm.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
For a little cash, we’ll make you an ash.</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
Burn, Baby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Burn.</div>
<div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0in;">
</div>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Obviously I was unwell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I realize it’s an immutable genetic imperative that we all
die at some point. It’s the specifics of all species.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But just to make sure there was nothing cataclysmic going
on, I had my son-in-law check me over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He is an accomplished physician, and I trust him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If he says I’m ok, I AM ok.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He assured me that nothing alarming jumped out at him,
except a preponderance of pleated flesh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>He recommended Tylenol Extra Strength for the headache…mine and the one
I had just given him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked him how
Tylenol worked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He explained that
according to the manufacturer’s representatives, it’s supposed to relieve the
migraine by reducing my “existential angst.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My existential angst? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that’s
so easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I should have thought of it
myself. So I took his advice and popped the Tylenol. It worked!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All my existential angst disappeared. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt so good, I began contemplating cremation!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Dave also informed me that as time goes by, eventually we age
out of certain things – like jury duty and colonoscopies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh Crap!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hold
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You mean we all eventually age out
of colonoscopies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That can’t be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I measure out my life by certain
procedures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The universe craves
symmetry, and so do I.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time is
slippery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How am I supposed to regulate
my life without procedures that are both regular and predictable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s how I gauge where I’ve been and where I’m
going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">People don’t save time, we spend it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How would I know how to invest my time, if I
age out of its rituals?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need a rhythm to my time, a cadence, a tempo
for structure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For instance, according
to my personal peculiar timetable, three more mammograms, and Abram will be
preparing for a mission; four more dental check-ups, and a possible crown
replacement, and Josh will have his driver’s license; Carter and Necie are 6
pap smears from high school graduation; and Beckham and Asher are 2
colonoscopies away from college.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s a matter of timing.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Events happen at intervals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>All things must take place in sequence and synchronization.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m just trying to keep things in their
natural order.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">True, my lower extremities are getting lower all the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t deny the obvious. But when
I go, I’m hubristically inclined to do it in my own time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m cocky enough to schedule my own
calendar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m calling the shots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll decide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m not pre-paying my cremation!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So as I sat on the exam table, oozing existential angst from
every pore, I told Dave that I may die multi-chinned, multi-segmented, circumferentially
challenged, with a repository of spare times around my midriff and contoured
like a puffer jacket – cocooned in my own bulk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hey, I’m ok with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
categorically refuse to enter the next life with polyps!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, keep scheduling those colonoscopies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can stand a stain on my character, but not
a blight on my bowel.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He popped two Tylenol, and agreed.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There is a man on the corner of Highland Drive and 45<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>
South every day, who dances to music I cannot hear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I sense the beat, and have often been
tempted to stop my car and ask if I can join him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t violate his own rhythm of life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I am better for having witnessed it;
better for this man’s <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>joy. I doubt he
was thinking about cremation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forget the
Tylenol.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s dance!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can’t prevent what
comes our way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose we just help
each other take the blows and make the hardship easier to bear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the embroidery of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That, and eternal colonoscopies, are the best way to deal
with existential angst!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-27010440877179332482015-05-18T16:06:00.002-07:002015-05-18T16:06:41.815-07:00Consider the Lilacs
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is true, the old adage:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under
heaven.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But this year, the seasons seem out of sync.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The lilacs came early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was not ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One must be properly prepared for their
annual return.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lilac season caught me
unaware.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Lilac blossoms are tiny delicacies and infused with a
perfume scent both distinct and nostalgic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Even blindfolded, one could not confuse the fragrance with any other
floral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think lilacs must have figured greatly in Vivaldi’s “Four
Seasons,” with their honorable subtlety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They are a symbol of the deep perfection of life.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But lilacs don’t always arrive on schedule, like the Ides of
March, which, with profound regularity, arrive promptly on the 15<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>
of March.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This year, lilac season was premature, and too soon gone.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I suppose it is a matter of simple Divine Befuddlement, a
cosmic disruption to keep us mortals from thinking that miracles are a
convenience of mathematical dependability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps we’d become bored in a world of uniformity, casualties of
emotional anorexia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I
don’t think it is ever wise to fashion plans and dreams based on assumptions
that can become predatory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Experience is
an exacting teacher.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nevertheless, I embraced the early miracle, and each morning
on my daily walk, with logical simplicity and in a scent-induced stupor, I
gathered whole branches of lilacs from bushes that were left with a gaping
central cavity, nearly hollowed by the theft.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And I arranged them in my vases.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I felt no guilt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
felt no remorse or regret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I committed
no offense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I violated no sanctity. I am
no renegade. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was disconnected with
conscience, and pilfered with reckless abandon. In fact, I felt a most
disturbing state of satisfaction, my integrity intact. Credit my own flagrant
passive defiance.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I babbled my conviction that lilacs are a conduit of wisdom,
designed to swaddle us with courage and wholeness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s so much humanity in the love of
lilacs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we all need comfort.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I secretly bless those gardeners who plant this majestic
flower and offer a place of order and rest to the feeble and infirm, and those early-morning
passers-by in need of a balm. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Man was created that he might have joy…and memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sustained sorrow is exhausting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lilacs bring a two-week sabbatical of grace
and anesthetic respite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is mysterious how comfort arrives.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Irises (irisi?) have replaced the lilacs.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I don’t steal Irises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have my standards.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When lilacs bloom, the world seems to return to its proper
axis, and the sacred rhythm of life is restored.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Long after they have left, we remember…and savor the
pleasure we know is unique and ephemeral.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-67786733050427621632015-04-03T16:41:00.004-07:002015-04-03T16:41:32.603-07:00It Takes A Village...<div class="MsoNormal">
In a stunning move that can only be explained as an unlanced
brain abscess or a monumental intelligence cavity, I bought a car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never before done something like
this all by myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was deeply unnerving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I became disoriented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I seemed to have no recognizable center of gravity…or cognitive brain
function, for that matter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I went
around bug-eyed and anxious, with apprehension tantamount to colon-blow.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ordinarily I live my life in tranquil tedium and devoted
sobriety, peacefully belching during digestion, serenely beyond the reach of
deep thought or great ideas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
lately I began experiencing a nagging little viscous slime trail meandering
through my mind that perhaps, just maybe, it was time to replace my 11-year-old
automobile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, perish the thought!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>La La La…I’m not LISTENING!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love that car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And the vision of going through the whole car-buying process left my
little gray cells bruised and limping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How daunting an undertaking. Personally, I’d rather do 8 seconds on a
bull named “Asteroid!”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, I soldiered on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My first task was to decide what kind of car I wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I toyed with the idea of a Subaru.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re the ones with the beguiling ads
that claim love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I think they’re idealizing the product they
represent.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I was befuddled by
the thought that selecting a car based solely on the concept of love might
reveal me to be a woman with a fiesta of mental maladies which would invite
ridicule.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I had to assume some
measure of greater competence on my part.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, I thought about a Jaguar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How cool would that be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tremendous horse power and a sleek design, engineered for
stilletoes and power cosmetics.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Automobilus horribilis” – for “the mad grandma of Holladay.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A cougar in a Jaguar!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s me. The concept had a certain narcissistic
appeal.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, but then I thought better of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My grandkids have already considered me
a member emeritus of the chronically confused, charmingly, endearingly
imbecilic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, after solemn consideration, and not wishing to heap any
intentional depraved humiliation upon their curly little heads, I myopically
opted for a new version of the vehicle I’ve driven for over a decade.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In order to prepare for what I can only compare to a day in
the Roman coliseum, I decided to talk to friends who had just purchased
cars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But not just any
friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They had to be recent
widows, ladies whose circumstances most resembled mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they were most encouraging, like
cheerleaders at a geriatric convention.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then I broadened my circle of counselors to include people
outside my realm of circumstance to better establish a more rounded perspective.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I sought out friends who were
happily married, friends who were having marital difficulties, those who had
just quarreled, and a few on the brink of divorce.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I got so caught up in my research, I resorted to
cold-calling perfect strangers, the moronically bizarre, and men from the
prison work release program.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I
have no capacity for embarrassment.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then, in an act of utter incongruity under the
circumstances, I went in for ear surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was prompted in part by the fact I couldn’t hear if the digits being
quoted were the salesman’s cell phone number, or the price of the car.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about aggravated sticker shock! Happily,
the anesthesia released my feeble mind from the great burden of actually making
a decision.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As soon as cognitive function resumed, and I stopped
drooling on my pillow, I asked Brodi what she thought I ought to do. To buy or
not to buy…that is the question. Her reply was cryptic and succinct:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Mom, just buy the DANG car!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Those acquainted with Brodi know
“dang” is just an approximation of her actual word choice.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It all seemed so simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I girded up my loins (with my best gird) and I did just
that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All by myself, I. BOUGHT. A.
CAR.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is white and compliments my naturally platinum hair…a
definite selling point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it has
every technological miracle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
beeps a warning for intruders in my blind spot, impending collisions with
hormonal teenagers and distracted geriatric drivers, and<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a>
sends an alert if I get a cavity or need a pedicure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has blue tooth, red flags, and pink flares to indicate
the findings of my latest mental competency hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It even has a tiny robotic extension with a single flange to
simulate obscene gestures, so at no time do my hands need to leave the
wheel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So far, I can start it, stop it, and drive it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll learn the other stuff later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was especially happy that in the Great Ledger of recorded
decisions, I SCORED! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And somehow I
had not disturbed the larger order of the universe.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I did it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
did it alone…uh, with a little help from my friends…my many, many friends.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Gee, I have so many blind spots.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In reality, it took a village…a very big village.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the height of hubrus to believe
we can do this life alone.</div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We all light each other’s lamps. It’s how the village is
illuminated. </div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-66732233939579659212015-02-17T08:44:00.003-08:002015-02-17T08:44:35.019-08:00Thoughts of a Noble Savage<div class="MsoNormal">
YIKES!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
the middle of February…20freakin’15!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The holidays are long past, and stored with pleasure (and relief) in my
memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, more than 1/12 of 2015 has evaporated, and I have
neglected my annual New Year’s Resolutions scrum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now ordinarily, I have a slavish commitment this marvelous ritual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, like everyone else, want to confirm
my own legitimacy by transforming into sublime wonderfulness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But not this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For some reason, I have not been highly resolved to alter or remodel
myself as in years gone by. Oh, the need is grossly apparent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The desire is not. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, I want to create my Designer
Self and become a living proverb, but not enough to aggressively pursue
nobility.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my glaciated mind,
I’d rather rely on natural selection – only the strongest traits will survive –
with no effort on my part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Besides,
there is no logic in being enemies with myself in a heroic crusade to be
flawless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Couldn’t I just have a
personality transplant and inhabit the identity of a more perfect being? Then I
could be cryogenically frozen and spend eternity in beaming perfection,
outshining my fellow beings in hubristic glory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why must we be voltage-goosed into becoming unblemished
paragons just because a new year has begun?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It makes no sense, really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t we just savor being creatures of impulse, with warts
and irregular terrain?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally,
I’d rather spend my time counting under-arm rings than flaws in my character.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been pondering this annual ritual of major change
whose sole purpose is catapulting oneself into the aristocracy of angels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And to what purpose?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That future generations will genuflect
at my mythology?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think not.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is method in this mentality.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A while ago, I attended the viewing of a neighbor who had
lived next door to us as I was growing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So many people from my old neighborhood were there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One lady hugged me and called to her
husband, “Honey, come see who’s here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s little Joni Jacobson!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, the years were peeled back with such velocity, I
actually experienced wind shear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How
long has it been since I was little Joni Jacobson?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I forgot I haven’t always looked like “Yoda, the Ancient
One.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was surreal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You know, there’s something catastrophic
about adulthood. Sometimes I think that old age is wasted on the
geriatric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have invested decades
on refinement, soul embellishment, structure and beauty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All because of resolutions that
symbolize the deep perfection of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Where’s the wisdom in that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And where is the me I used to be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lost in the swift passage of becoming transformed, that’s where.<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, I know the weak must bank on mercy, but, seriously,
where is the joy in flawlessness? Isn’t it our very imperfections that stain us
with character?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shouldn’t we just
put the things right we can put right today – not hobble ourselves with
long-range visions of divinity?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ah, the days of my youth, before time and good intentions
genetically modified me into a revolting geriatric Gumby; before I became the
sum total of all my insufficiencies; back when I was organically capable of
only the most elementary reactions, and did not agonize about things that I
could not change or control; back before I had a repository of spare tires
around my midriff that mimic the circles around my eyes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those days are no more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am now the Universal Moral Fatwa, perched atop the summit
of the Perfection Pyramid, in mortal fear of foot-tons of force from Biblical
vengeance and liability, a beacon of the “Light and Fluffy,” as if I am the
natural consequence of an explosion in a meringue factory.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That’s not real perfection. No way. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think we should honor the true meaning
of perfection, with all its flaws, instead of using the lack of it as
ammunition.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Were all my resolutions realized, I would be transformed
into a disrupted and poorly proportioned soul, not an ethereal being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ergo, in an act
of defiant self-preservation, I’m having an elective perfection lobotomy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m returning to those sunny days of
malfeasance in adolescence and channeling my inner brat. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll hie me to a yurt in some vast
tundra where I can renounce my flawlessness without disruption, and with jerky
little steps, regain my natural integrity and hang, like a chad in the wind,
free of guilt and regret.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My resolutions?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve got ‘em. They are as follows:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I
will explore and discover a means by which I can return to the asylum of my former
wart some self</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">2.<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt;">
</span></span><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;">I will endeavor not to let my personal magnetism
get out of control.</span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I will renounce any redeeming qualities that
only have ceremonial significance.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->And I just may consider defying gravity with the
Brazilian Butt Life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The thought
is inebriating!</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I renounce all moral pustules.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I may become a Hasidic hedonist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">7.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I will mold myself into the configuration of my
memory foam imprint when I was young, to see beyond who I ought to be and
remember who I am.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">8.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><!--[endif]-->I will joyfully resist the temptation to master
my impulses.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This will, hopefully, trigger the brain circuitry to revolt
and ruin the possibility of perfection with its inherent predatory tyranny
forever. </div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who knows, I may just live out my life smugly unsullied by
oozing virtuosity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A Noble Savage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe this is what perfection is really
all about.</div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-53115176397682744672014-12-28T15:24:00.001-08:002014-12-28T15:24:08.726-08:00A Christmas Reverie
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am un-Christmasing.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am un-singing the carols, un-decorating the tree, and un-wreathing
the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am going into solitary confinement, concealing myself in a
gelatinous cocoon, double-fisting <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zoloft, and emerging in a few days as a
born-again Pagan.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Un-Christmasing is a mammoth task, considering that for the
past two months, I broke a sacred promise to myself from last year to minimize
and simplify, and have been decking the halls, hanging the holly, hauling the
credit card, and hurling harsh language – all in a psychotically-motivated
effort to make Grandmother’s house look like a Thomas Kincaid painting when the
family travels over the river and through the woods to get here.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why do we women indulge in this annual masochistic ritual of
what can only be regarded as the equivalent of bowel strangulation, like a band
of conspirators, connoisseurs of human folly? It is truly an exercise for the
mentally defective.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I suppose that as matriarchs, we try to preserve mindless
traditions with awesomely brainless expectations, which is further evidence of
diminished neuron function during the entire month of December. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Honestly, I’m at a loss to explain the phenomenon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nostalgia is the opiate of the masses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s also exhausting.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, in keeping with tradition, I am indulging in my post-holiday
rant, a privilege I have earned from the frustrations and festivities of the
past 60 days.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Last year, I made a vow and swore an oath, (actually, I
swore many oaths) that this year would be different…I would be different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would not take on a hemorrhoidal task that
would bring a vale of sherpas to their knees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I would take a sabbatical from the insanity…and simplify.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would observe the true meaning of Christmas,
and resist the urge to indulge in the frenzied, annual, excessive Christmas
decorating competition with friends and neighbors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would savor serenity, ensconce my mind in a
protective Zen euphoria, assume the lotus position, and commune with my inner
Mother Theresa.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">However, right on schedule, the day after Halloween, as if
pre-programmed by galloping dementia and a diabolical demon of depravity, I
morphed into “The Noel Nazi,” “The Cherub of Cheer,” “The Ogress of
Observations,” “The Deaconess of Decoration,” “The Empress of Entertainment
Excess,” “The Matron of Merriment.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I haplessly witnessed my own transformation from a mild-mannered
Grandma into a teeth-gnashing, seasonally adjusted perversion of Lou Ferrigno. I
became…THE HOLIDAY HULK!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It’s like my wobbly-bosomed body has become the host for an
alien life-form – “traditionus tyrannus!”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The holidays are snugly nestled between protracted idiocy
and prolonged insanity, as if for a space of time, I’m plunged into the vortex
of some surreal Middle Earth, and I become a constituent with fellow residents
like Bilbo Baggins and a cadre of unusual suspects.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bags ring my eyes like black-mascara funereal
wreaths from too little sleep and too much Red Bull.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And welts as big as anvils threaten to drag
my eyelids down to my neck wattles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not
even mortician’s putty can conceal the carnage. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Why do I expose myself to the yawning mouth of a labyrinth
from which, once entered, there is no escape?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Knowing, as I do, that I will eventually have to face the Minotaur?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Perhaps it’s an attempt to self-mythologize, before time
demands that I become surgically modified and prosthetically endowed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Of course, on November 1<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">st</span></sup>, visions of myself as
the seraphic, ethereal embodiment of beneficence, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Michaelangelo’s Sistine Chapel incarnate,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>dance in my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the afternoon of December 25<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>,
my hair is matted by sleep deprivation, and my eyelashes look the legs of a
dead spider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m more “mold,
Frankenstein and myrrh-der” than “angels we have heard on high.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then there are the inevitable curves that one does not
anticipate:</span></div>
<br />
<ol style="direction: ltr; list-style-type: decimal;">
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Stop
peeking in the packages, Necie, and UN-SEE what you just saw!”</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
“No, Carter, a Thesaurus if NOT a very literate
dinosaur!”</div>
</li>
<li style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal;"><div style="color: black; font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; margin-bottom: 10pt; margin-top: 0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1;">
“Asher, it’s FIGGY PUDDING, not FRIGGIN’
PUDDING!”</div>
</li>
</ol>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Naturally, I prepared my annual Christmas Eve feast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I counseled with the butcher about how I
planned to cook the ($200!) tenderloin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At those prices, I wanted to get it just right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just looked at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then he informed me that if I proceed with my
feloniously arsonistic culinary protocol, there would arise from my oven a
great column of smoke and ash, to exceed any volcanic discharge of Mt.
Vesuvius.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He asked, straight-faced, if I
planned to cremate the beast and scatter the ashes. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Point made. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do tend to over-cook things to the point of
incineration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just have a fear of
boccilinus gigantus, and prefer to have the children alive when Santa
arrives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carpet bombing the roast seems
like the best way to kill alien amoeba that could infect the tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The butcher assured me that would not happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">On Christmas Eve, we sang the carols designed to invoke the
Spirit of Christmas…comfort and joy, peace on earth, good will toward men.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we sounded less like herald angels rockin’
Handel, and more like the “Farkel Family Singers” on steroids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Asher’s seismic activity had us laughing through “Silent
Night,” (“Silent night!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really???!!!) a
blasphemy of such proportion it nearly halted Santa mid-flight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That child would test the patience of all the
Saints and Angels.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Christmas morning was anything but a Currier and Ives
rendition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In a display of
overly-muscular gift-opening, fragments of bows and wrapping paper ascended,
like projectiles erupting from a missile launcher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My place looked like the casualty of a targeted
attack from grenades, Molotov cocktails,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>and Isis.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Definitely not how Dickens envisioned it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, too late came too early, and by 10:00 a.m., the adults
were collapsed in recliners, hollow-eyed, grinning foolishly, uncomprehending,
staring blankly, stuporous, unable to blink, while morsels of fruit cake
drooled down our chins, muttering incoherent soliloquys to no one in particular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We looked for all the world like a collection
of mutant, manic-depressive Mr. Peepers impersonators in an opium den.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think, by most standards, this Christmas was a triumph.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But I am starting my New Year’s Resolutions early.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next year, I do solemnly swear to decorate
less, simplify…focus on the TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS…fa la la la la…blah…blah…blah…blah</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Happy New Year!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-57932854517549134652014-11-11T19:30:00.003-08:002014-11-11T19:30:28.341-08:00Circadian Arrhythmia <div class="MsoNormal">
How can it be November already?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Didn’t<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we just
have August?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time is passing with
ruthless abandon, which coincides in the macabre realization that ruin is the
destiny of all flesh. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And speaking of the macabre, the nation has just been carpet
bombed by the ubiquitous campaigns of candidates being willfully obtuse, aglow
with cleanness and looking chipper, while trying to smite their opponents dead
with a log. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We voters morphed into stuporous zombies, morbidly
fascinated by the potential of disaster, as we’re wheeled into intensive care
for the criminally skeptical. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Without pausing for a commercial break, the politicians and
pundits, those spongy-minded severely foolish who populate the airwaves, are
grandly sprinting toward the 2016 elections, positively radiating predictions
and prognostications.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I’d rather be savaged by a rabid congressman with a
flea collar and a medical history.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The whole campaign circus becomes ludicrous at some
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I find myself out of rhythm
and out of sorts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But to be fair,
it really is not about the elections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m frequently saucer-eyed and confused even when not being assaulted by
narcissistic candidates with flaring nostrils and gleaming teeth, oozing oily
sincerity.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I’ve figured out why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The universe just shifted its paradigm from Daylight Savings
Time to “night-by-4:30 p.m., fuzzy-bunny-slippers-before-6:00-news” Standard
Time.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That shift was violent – Big Bang colossal “I want my Mommy”
kind of upheaval.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the
consequences are pronounced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
violently dislike disruption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Routine is difficult to establish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I “sprang forward” in March, and nearly fell flat on my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And just when I have adjusted and stemmed
the constant warming squirts of my adrenal fluid, I have to “fall back,” right
on my doughy gluteal landing pad. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like to think the universe is well-ordered, predicated on
logical sequence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But twice a
year, it seems as if a coup d’etat<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>by some chaos demon with a mutant Ninja army of Pee Wee Herman
cross-dressers have realigned the system and created planetary havoc by
disrupting the precious circadian rhythm of the world’s inhabitants.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course, there are those who insist that predictability is
the enemy of drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such people lead
lives of wretched despair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HATE
DRAMA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Predictability is not a
transgression. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leave drama to the Kardashians,
the uselessly attractive, and the benignly idiosyncratic.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, I know what ails me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suffer from chronic circadian arrhythmia, (aka circadian
confusion, circadian chaos). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For a sizable portion of the calendar year, I resort to
bizarre and erratic behavior. I become moronically obsessed with recalibrating
my system and getting all my circadian in a row.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Naturally, profound lack of human dignity is something I
suffer in silent humiliation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
feel all purply and Barney-like inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m half a Rorschach, one hand clapping, with all my participles
dangling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My words collide with each other, and I fear strangers can see
thought bubbles floating above my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I shamble through my day in an orgy of befuddlement, with a mind
severely and arrestingly wrenched from its hinges.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is no pattern to my sleep because I awake at 3:00 a.m.
craving cheeseburgers and dirty diet coke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I resort to reciting the periodic table of elements or
conjugating irregular expletives just to soothe erratic brain waves. On top of
all that, I’ve gone viral – I think I’m coming down with a cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In short, I’ve become FECKLESS. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Short of indulging in reverse engineering, or conjuring the
Oracle at Delphi, I’m not sure what the answer is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose, as I go through yet another period of adjustment,
I should be guided by the first rule of medicine:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“First, do no harm.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, I rather like that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe that concept <a href="" name="_GoBack"></a>will restore order
to the universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The more I think
about it, the more I think it should be tattooed on the forehead of every
politician in the country. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First,
do no harm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It might not change
the world, but it could possibly eliminate a whole lot of drama!</div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-54051903240364606912014-10-05T08:51:00.003-07:002014-10-05T08:51:54.767-07:00Reunions and Homecomings, Boomer to Millennial <div class="MsoNormal">
There are certain rituals to autumn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, with cooler weather, one
gets the nesting instinct, and is tempted to begin bottling fruit and making
soup.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have successfully resisted
that particular urge, opting, instead, for pizza delivery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simpler and cleaner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Autumn is also the season of reunions and homecomings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We seem to gather when the air is
chilly and the apples are crisp.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As grandma to six millennials, I am deeply vested in
everything that concerns them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
includes a code of behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
simply the stuff grandmas are made of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Can’t help it. I am greater than the sum of their parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so it was ironic that my high school reunion and Abram’s
first-ever date to high school homecoming were just one weekend apart.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Oh, the memories that have been made, and were about to be
made.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There was so much I wanted to tell him, so much wisdom I
wanted to impart, so much counsel I wanted to dispense, all accumulated since I
was a was a sophomore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to share with him little essays on Time, Beauty,
and The Meaning of Life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wanted to advise him to look beyond assumptions, that
kindness is power, and to decorate his soul with goodness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of which was well-intentioned, but apt to produce
auditory hallucinations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The kid
would have become stuporous with boredom…just as I did when I was sixteen.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I get that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s just that I was still aglow in euphoric rapture following my
reunion, encapsulated by memories that become more precious as time
passes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Reminiscence has a particular texture, a patina, that is the
result of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I don’t want Abram to genuflect at the altar of
adolescence, but I DO want him to savor these fleeting moments that are oh, so
brief.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But this kid is a sophomore and an athlete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So instead of erudite rhetoric and
eloquent poetry, I opted for a paroxysm of blunt commandments, at times
indelicate, and occasionally profane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is known as “bubba-izing”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>the true meaning of life.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So here, in no particular order, are my rules for
successfully getting through one’s first date.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
GRANDMA’S MANIFESTO</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
PROLOGUE</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Civilization is the mastery of violence, the triumph,
constantly challenged, over the aggressive nature of the primate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Resist your own nature</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Try not to imitate or perpetuate the conduct of the great
ape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Great start, Joan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep going.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
RULES FOR CIVILIZED SOCIAL BEHAVIOR:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Do NOT scratch
any region that itches if the irritated terrain lies south of your belt buckle.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Do not scratch any area remotely near your underarm.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And, PLEASE, do not simulate flatulent emissions with your hand
cupped over said armpit, tempting as this might be.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. Do NOT insert fingers, digits, or foreign objects into any
facial orifices, especially your nostrils.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The guys will guffaw, but the girls will gag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. You may be the apex predator, you may be at the top of the
food chain, but do not beat your brains out with your tongue trying to retrieve
a morsel of food that has inadvertently found its way to the top of your head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(This is why you are routinely provided
with a white foldy thing we, in polite society, call a napkin.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Remember, sweat has a shelf life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand that perspiration has a certain “trophy” value,
but there is a definite infamy to underarm rings. Shower after soccer practice
and apply deodorant liberally before you call for your date.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
6. Do not engage in rigorous insult bombs with “da guys.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
7. Do not resort to the “jaws of life” to extricate the last
chicken wing from your partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
8. Don’t forget.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>There is a specific neuronal wiring that distinguishes us from other
animals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ergo, do not touch,
squeeze, puncture or otherwise pop pustules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LET IT GO!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
9. As admirable a performance as it may be, refrain from
belching the entire Olympus High fight song with your buddies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve witnessed this phenomenon, and I’m
so proud of the “Burp Brigade,” but heed my word, this is NOT a chick turn-on.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
These young men are the perfect synthesis
of form and youthful good looks – just like we were when we were sophomores –
before the clock altered our abdominal contours and disrupted our proportions
and unity of space.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast">
I know I sound like a refugee from feudal
times, but I do know about amenities, and what chicks like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you observe my advice, you will
always have the illusion that you’re in control of your world.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a>Remember, “carpe diem” (seize the day)
all too soon becomes “carpe dentum” (seize the dentures).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraph">
‘Nuff said. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-19991796949293045862014-09-14T14:24:00.000-07:002014-09-14T14:24:06.180-07:00How We Roll at West HighI asked Brodi to create a flyer I could take around to neighbors to let them know our circle would be filled with cars for a luncheon I was hosting for our West High Panthers reunion. <br />
<br />
Here's what she came up with. I'm trying not to be offended.<br />
<br />
Click on the picture for a larger version.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTEIdDC3L17Ig034HxINFvvfEKA_WHok99HxNTk6JAueHpwkdPxz6JiIui5ARFfEvrN6TPaj_73hGZVoAzRsEV0lsC9GNj5RWcca-sLqCOT14DCQjf7eavD0sRS-1SlrV03WgSiV8l9NM/s1600/west+high+luncheon+parking+flyer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTEIdDC3L17Ig034HxINFvvfEKA_WHok99HxNTk6JAueHpwkdPxz6JiIui5ARFfEvrN6TPaj_73hGZVoAzRsEV0lsC9GNj5RWcca-sLqCOT14DCQjf7eavD0sRS-1SlrV03WgSiV8l9NM/s1600/west+high+luncheon+parking+flyer.jpg" height="640" width="494" /></a></div>
<br />
nuff said<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span id="goog_210658960"></span><span id="goog_210658961"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-26593343470812545802014-08-13T08:48:00.000-07:002014-08-13T08:48:20.436-07:00Now and Then<div class="MsoNormal">
Every now and then I get lulled into reverie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That stands to reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is, after all, nearly autumn, that
singular season of nostalgia and recollections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, too much nostalgia can evoke too much
sentimentality, and one is in danger of being overwhelmed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One must proceed with caution.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This rush of memories, no doubt, is triggered by the fact that
I am on the reunion planning committee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now that is an exercise in recall that un-calcifies recollections as we
retrieve archival data.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Ah yes, reunions – that time-honored tradition when we all
become born-again adolescents and once more defiantly reject the inconvenient
truths reflected in our own mirrors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(I personally feel that delinquency is wasted on the delinquent.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Old names and faces emerge from the mists and corridors of
time, and everyone is exactly as I remember them, refreshed and
revitalized…regardless of the brutal process of atrophy and cellular breakdown by
which time permanently alters all our landscapes…and our vanities.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
“Those Were The Days” is our anthem, and we reminisce with
old friends who recall the times when we had no need for techno-gadgets like a GPS
– all roads led to State Street!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
(Of course, a few of our more infamous alumni had cell
numbers long before they had cell phones.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did I mention we went to West High?)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
No reunion is without its stories…and specters, that act as
a Greek chorus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Memories are like
webs- it is impossible to touch one silk strand without causing the others to
vibrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose that’s what
gives one the sense of the whole.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Gatherings allow us to rediscover who we were and who we
are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And each attendee views our
common history through lenses that are somewhat autobiographical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That makes sense.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
To the casual observer, we may appear to be biological
oddities, perhaps a little waddlesome, a little asymmetrical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the casual observer would be
wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Way wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When old friends gather, when they
reunite, Time ceases to have meaning…or power.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Casual observers lack lenses with benevolent distortion.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
The geometry of our forms has been softened, and we note
with melancholy the loss of the physical definition we had back then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, by virtue of residing atop the food
chain, some of us are circumferentially challenged around our equators.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eh, who cares!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
So much to celebrate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Possibly some things to un-say, and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>un-see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s remarkable
how our lives spill into each other’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
However, in spite of the ravages of time, we are not exactly
primal man squinting at extinction.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
No sirreee!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Without reminiscing, memory atrophies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s crucial to remember the visions of
pompadours and beehives that danced on our heads.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I’m not sure if I’m remembering or hallucinating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I recall that back then, as young
girls, we were symmetrical creatures, crafted of just the perfect proportion of
blood and bones and skin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heck, I<br />
remember when we only had one chin!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Time was irrelevant.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Summer was a verb.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Then, we girls talked endlessly on the phone (rotary dial,
of course) like Sandra Dee stunt doubles of make-up, mayhem, dating, and men.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Now, we carry smart phones and text of mortician’s putty, mayhem,
CARBON-dating, and men…opause.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Through the years, we have become unified, we have become
one:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the women, uniboobs; the men,
unibrows.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
We girls have sprouted facial fur prolific enough to render
us contenders in the beard growing contests of yesteryear.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And the men are swaddled in their own nasal hair.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Ah, such is the capriciousness of rogue follicles.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
We have been imbibing formaldahyde like fine wine in hopes
of preserving what physical remnants we have left, and boost mortality,
inhaling Aqua Net fumes and channeling our inner bouffants to stimulate
memories of the by-gone years before we aged out of our feral tendencies; those
long-ago times when “60 Minutes” was a full hour, and long before incessant
reminders like carpet bombs<a href="https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5695834420114376437" name="_GoBack"></a> to call a doctor for anything
that lasts more than four.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
And who can forget the music?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If music defines us, what does “Who put the ram in the ramma
lamma ding dong?” say about our generation?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Back in the day, we listened to Mick Jagger wail his
complaint “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Now, we’re all too tired to care.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Brylcream and Ipana toothpaste were products that spoke to
our vanities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we bought.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, we are demographically in the
cross hairs of advertisers pitching hearing aids, medical alerts, and spot
faders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we buy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Vanity is a constant.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
My grandkids never tire of listening to me tell stories
straight from the pages of history.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, asking if Tutmoses was a member of my graduating class is
enough to send me scurrying to my therapist for high-voltage anger management
techniques.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
But the beat goes on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And it looks like we made it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>WE…refugees from the “pre-googleization” era, a collection of implants
and transplants…WE. MADE. IT!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Reunions allow us to have an out-of-body experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For just a moment, we can forget that
we’re casualties of predatory shrinkage and tissue ejection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can forget that due to gravitational
pull and multiple planetary rotations, we have morphed into physiological
punchlines, clichés we used to mock.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
We can forget that our medicine cabinets are stocked with
controlled substances like Lipitor, digitalis and over-active bladder
remedies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we can celebrate our
latest, greatest discovery that Pythagoria is not an elimination malfunction we
will eventually have to be medicated for.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Our angle of repose is, at present, more angle than
repose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I don’t think that
disqualifies us from the planet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We have a lot of living to do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
An interloper, without prior acquaintance, who may
inadvertently wander into this event, might see what he perceives as a
collection of compact garden gnomes, comprised of volcanic debris and congealed
gelatinous substances spun from life’s centrifuge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He may even observe doughy thighs and trophy wrinkles like
fault lines, metaphorical subterranean survivors of decades past.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Time is the great leveler…and healer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Actually, so is hair.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
While I rail at Time, rage at its tyrannical
transformations, I guess it’s simply the human experience.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Indeed, Time has eroded our physical terrain…and, thankfully,
our wanton hubris. Certain laws are immutable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And liberating.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
My personal blueprint for the evening of the reunion is to
hermetically seal myself in Spanx and a burqa, nothing too revealing, (a
humanitarian courtesy to my fellow classmates).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will view old friends through truer prisms, see the
beauty, and dance the night away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Memo to alumni:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Anyone planning to split your britches busting a move in frenzied
break-dancing, I have only two words:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Relationships are living entities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are soul siblings – more alike than different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are imprinted with our own identity,
individually and collectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Yes, Time is immutable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But time cannot blunt our senses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We will occupy pleasant mirages, where things may be altered,
but nothing has changed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
There is a universal tribal law which dictates that dignity
and honor be accorded those who have been through fiery furnaces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have all been transformed by the
heat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we simply emerge hotter
now that we were then.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
All memory conspires to a single story.</div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Now and then time collides with memory…and memory wins.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It always does.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is, after all, the highest form of
intellect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-48812794522002989722014-07-30T09:44:00.003-07:002014-07-30T09:44:24.926-07:00Costa Rica<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At Sunday dinner in the dead of winter, my lovable but
maladjusted tribe decided an excursion to Coast Rica, where the sun is warm and
the soft trade winds blow in gently from the ocean, would be just the remedy we
needed for the winter doldrums.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
with everything our family does, we were playing with a full house, if not a
full deck.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, on the fourth of July, we assembled our posse of
misdemeanors…everyone who shares the same genes, chromosomes and last name…and
virtually stampeded to paradise.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was a feat in itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In order to simplify and expedite our travel time, we swore
a sacred oath of carry-ons only, and solemnly vowed that if #1 Matriarch got
lost, everyone would try to find her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(These matters must be decided prior to departure and notarized legally before
anyone packs a tooth brush!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
rather like a living will of retrieval sealed by a blood oath. Matriarchs can’t
be too careful.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Costa
Rica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What more does one
need?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Dramamine, Ambien, and a good
supply of anti-anxiety meds come to mind.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We rented a van that could harbor 12 people plus luggage, “canned
Ashtons,” bade farewell to solitude and any shred of privacy, and, grinning
idiotically, we were off on our excellent adventure.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The roads in Costa Rica are narrow and very winding, and we
would often round a corner just to find ourselves in the midst of a herd of
bulls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These animals are colossal,
and inadvertently hitting one would cause a bovine holocaust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The creatures seemed docile, in spite
of their staggeringly large horns and other physical endowments that would most
assuredly qualify them as serious contenders in the annual testicle festival,
held each year in Wyoming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
not making this up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw multiple
billboards proclaiming this festival when I thought I was in Idaho last
month.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brodi informed me I was
actually in Wyoming, which accounts for my confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It caused me to wonder just who is eligible to compete in
this celebration, and if there was discrimination based on gender.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Something to ponder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nowadays, such biases are politically
incorrect and constitute unlawful discrimination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There needs be equality in all things, especially testicle
festivals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Ah, but back to Costa Rica.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On our way to our first residence, it was exceedingly
agreeable to be out in the open, warm woods of a new country…the open,
unfamiliar, unnerving woods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
it was a dark and stormy night, and our GPS had directed us to a rough, uphill,
unpaved road that was baffling, contradictory, and slightly spooky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At one point, we all disembarked from the van to prevent the
vehicle from tipping over an embankment or sliding down a mud slick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My keen peripheral vision detected
movement of unknown origin in the nearby underbrush, but I was able to maintain
enough composure not to revert to my usual bizarre and erratic behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instead, I tried to divert the kids’
attention to higher landscape, where we were less likely to see small furry
animals and denizens of the dark.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Finally, in a hallelujah moment, we emerged from the woods
and reached our destination.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
unrestrained jubilation, I perkily blurted out, “It’s like the Garden of Eden!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And right on cue, a snake, yes, a green Biblical serpent,
hung down from the roof, aloof, motionless, observant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fairness to serpents, this one
seemed more curious than ominous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Nevertheless, in the dark, all snakes are anacondas – hefty and hungry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">However, not wanting to alarm the children, (they can smell
fear), I said it was a sign, an omen that we would not have to fear rodents…or
small dogs…or horses…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It was our guard snake, our protector.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all felt safer, except for one of
us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I kept one eye open and some
fig leaves nearby, in case we had to evacuate quickly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My daughters quipped that a couple of
pine needles would amply cover my nakedness in any emergency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I warned them not to make me get out my
thong bikini, and they immediately ceased their mockery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Even my sons-in-law cowered at that
threat.)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Costa Rica is beguiling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we all decided to practice our Espanol.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Fact:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Donde
esta el bano?” will not produce a burger and fries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It only makes one appear to have bladder issues.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The ocean was 12 steps from our front door, and we swam,
boogie boarded and body surfed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
loved it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">We also did the zip line through the rain forest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After my initial and slightly imbecilic
inquiry of the guide – “Am I going to die?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to which he replied, “I hope not.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- I was absolutely exhilarated by the experience.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In broken Spanish, I gushed, “I. LOVE. IT!!!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our guide seemed somewhat taken aback,
and rather perplexed he answered, “Gracias.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love you, too.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Dang!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Obviously, in Spanish, I am pronounally impaired.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suffer from pronoun dysfunction. (Not
enough blood flow to my pronouns.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The side effect is acute humiliation, relieved by a son-in-law fluent in
the language, who doesn’t seem to mind rectifying his mother-in-law’s impotent
Spanish by explaining to the natives that she’s a shingle short.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Perhaps the true measure of a successful family vacation
lies in the editorial comments of the clan members themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Upon hearing of a family in Houston whose members were all
murdered except one, Erin said, “I would not want to be the only survivor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If one goes, we all go.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Brodi replied, “Let’s always take our vacations together.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This was at the END of the trip, after we had turned in the
van, and I, as per tradition, had been “randomly selected” for extra security
procedure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(@&*$!!!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Separate entities…one Soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, in the vein of “all vacations, all together,” we<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> headed to Cedar City for our annual trek to jolly old
England and the Shakespeare Festival, where we swapped Espanol for iambic
pentameter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I suppose where family is concerned, it’s the journey that
matters most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all must go into
the woods.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we must also go the
distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It’s best to go together.</span></div>
Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-26056811293487524872014-06-24T17:24:00.001-07:002014-06-24T17:24:24.899-07:00The Amazing Race<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Not long ago, a motley crew of friends, family and neighbors
gathered together to watch the final episode of The Amazing Race on a large
movie screen at Jordan Commons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now this
was not just an exercise of happy, mindless people assembling on a Sunday
evening to collectively break the Sabbath or provoke the wrath of heaven by
engaging in felonious activities that are profoundly unbiblical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Quite the contrary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our dear friends, Dave and Connor O’Leary, were among the three final
teams competing for the million dollar prize and bragging rights for enduring a
series of wild and dangerous stunts that were deeply unnerving and left the participants
without a recognizable center of gravity…or bladder control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For some of us, this is a perpetual state of
being.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Because of a 10 million dollar confidentiality clause and an
unspoken threat of a contract on their lives with Guido, the “Thumb Breaker,”
Dave and Connor took a vow of Omerta followed by a pinkie swear, and maintained
a code of silence as to the results.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
divulged nothing. I know. I personally tried all manner of dopey tricks to get
either one of them to hint at the outcome, including channeling the Oracle of
Delphi. It was eerily reminiscent of trying to seduce a smile from the guards
at Buckingham Palace.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Alas, to no avail.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So the congregation sat together in the theater, on the edge
of our seats, biting nails, and erupting in a chorus of frenetic cheering at the
conclusion of each leg, and groaning at the inane comments of the severely
emotionally arrested couple who whined incessantly about needing the million
dollars to have a baby.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">NEWS FLASH<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to those
who failed Human Reproduction 1-0-1:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
monetary intervention needed for conception.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had two children, and
we didn’t have a dime!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That night was infused with such comaradery and unity, all
of us caught up in the thrall of the moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think we had intuited the outcome, but when the O’Learys won, there
was an eruption of cacophony <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and
jubilation, comic book noises, simulated armpit flatulence, copious hugs, high
fives and majestic silliness of fellow human beings connected by a single
joyous mindset.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shared moronic hilarity
is a peculiar ritual and monumentally noble tradition of mankind. I was a
privileged participant and noise-maker.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now the O’Learys winning this competition is really no
surprise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One expects extraordinary
things from extraordinary people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Amazing Race is not the first time they have embarked on a perilous journey.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When Dennis was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the first
call we made was to our bishop, Dave O’Leary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was on our doorstep before we
heard the dial tone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As our family
gathered together, he administered a blessing upon Dennis and our household
that resonates to this day.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our lamps were lit, and we could see the light.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our hardship was easier to bear, because he
assumed a large portion of the burden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dave O’Leary counseled us to put on our armor, and he promptly joined us
in the trenches.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The O’Learys travelled our journey with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They went the distance, and we began not only
to believe in miracles, but to expect them, and ultimately, to make them
happen.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">One should never embark on a pilgrimage alone.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The O’Learys have permanent residence in the Holy of Holies
of our hearts.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Inspiration is contagious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And as I watched Dave and Connor flinging themselves off cliffs, leaping
out of airplanes and throwing themselves under the wheels of passing cars, I
had an overwhelming desire to likewise gain enlightenment through reckless living
and wild abandon. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I vowed to <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DREAM. THE. IMPOSSIBLE. DREAM!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FORGE EVERY STREAM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>CONQUER EVERY FOE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>MASTER MY SPHINCTER. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Yessiree.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I decided
to accept any opportunity that comes my way to show my valor, bring home the
ultimate victory, and wreathe myself in a crown of laurel leaves.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, when I was asked by a stewardess to sit in an exit row
on a recent flight home, I recalled the courage of Lancelot, the nobility of
Don Quixote, and the permanent make-up of Kim Kardashian, and resoundingly
answered the call to serve for all my fellow passengers to hear, “What the
crap!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK. “</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The officious stewardess then provided me with a laminated
card of instructions regarding how to proceed in case of extreme turbulence or
danger.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Feeling the weight of such responsibility, I studied
diligently in preparation for the possibility of hostile conditions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The plane was a tiny world, a microcosm of
humanity, but I was duty-bound by honor to focus on the inhabitants of this
cocoon and do all my power to guard their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was determined to be the epitome of
efficiency without obstacles…an icon of fluid motion.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In some mysterious transformation, I became everyone’s
mother, (without lactation), and I embraced the mission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now, according to the cartoon characters on the passenger
safety card, in case of danger, the first thing NOT to do is use my cell phone
or light a cigarette.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWUPnQT2ueLLAk6lst1iKLWDTLZScHADakEINBCN7qtOrzYlokMfCONOY8ztIrR1X1r7d5bm2LikgIa9fdM13PQNtWPE_r4TlLNzNjQc600_u74bQhAIQzWS6LJBvt3VXysDb00Hgn1Do/s1600/airplane+pic+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWUPnQT2ueLLAk6lst1iKLWDTLZScHADakEINBCN7qtOrzYlokMfCONOY8ztIrR1X1r7d5bm2LikgIa9fdM13PQNtWPE_r4TlLNzNjQc600_u74bQhAIQzWS6LJBvt3VXysDb00Hgn1Do/s1600/airplane+pic+1.png" height="102" width="400" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Check.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then, as the plane hits land or water, I’m supposed to bend over,
grab my ankles, and puke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is
actually a maneuver I’ve mastered over the years. It is good to be one with
your emesis basin.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZJzDsDjC3vEHghIGHaY5DP44minELk3ls7lXh_2K4mPy3zRPtbsSNGXdqiaYyqdsSpvhH4sHyVSyMCMPhLdOkI9yb_k2a8_mu1Nkn1mrLsPtruogmRlvfkszf6cO4a7uO0WuDUYZmZuI/s1600/airplane+pic+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZJzDsDjC3vEHghIGHaY5DP44minELk3ls7lXh_2K4mPy3zRPtbsSNGXdqiaYyqdsSpvhH4sHyVSyMCMPhLdOkI9yb_k2a8_mu1Nkn1mrLsPtruogmRlvfkszf6cO4a7uO0WuDUYZmZuI/s1600/airplane+pic+2.png" height="157" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">OK so far.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After that, I try to figure out how the plane is constructed
using my extensive knowledge of the first three letters of the alphabet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF0FzWcFDbrOgal63S_Zprl-D9OXF7DTzCyNWsdTpixM2arCZbZV8Ozm1CWaiEmzD99IE9z7YKBWnJFB2QwOH4O4nDYNmlb4jKsjQJh_Ab3xYKNRy4KSPvkRr6RzyISXmoHeYffVLeHEg/s1600/airplane+pic+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF0FzWcFDbrOgal63S_Zprl-D9OXF7DTzCyNWsdTpixM2arCZbZV8Ozm1CWaiEmzD99IE9z7YKBWnJFB2QwOH4O4nDYNmlb4jKsjQJh_Ab3xYKNRy4KSPvkRr6RzyISXmoHeYffVLeHEg/s1600/airplane+pic+3.png" height="328" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Right.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then I open the door, remove it from its hinges, and fling
myself out the exit, which I locate by rapidly firing hyphens from my eyeballs.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYd5Ok6LOPkgZ1yhlmh898LkTB5bEGQxtZ7iutRB1KQRUibJZQj3lzIjzFcjZGR7vSevUrvcbDLqrTqoqoagxNFEl67ptClBrLz4h-Ku4WSqVsJopslPoVEK7zc-TdGshrloID2IJHO_k/s1600/airplane+pic+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYd5Ok6LOPkgZ1yhlmh898LkTB5bEGQxtZ7iutRB1KQRUibJZQj3lzIjzFcjZGR7vSevUrvcbDLqrTqoqoagxNFEl67ptClBrLz4h-Ku4WSqVsJopslPoVEK7zc-TdGshrloID2IJHO_k/s1600/airplane+pic+4.png" height="400" width="357" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Gotcha.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Finally, I just bob in the water with a frowny face and a
seat cushion and wait for a baby to float by.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv9VOJ-kJWLfcMBOWP_TLTSYyFQAeRWBQ6Nxqcdo8JiIe4DWyMcSZeYvnqTO0G6dZd6afXDZe75D8OvwRg_L7FNVWuwlYhXlcE7Gx15v4BMC0I3GlnJTqsnta9aTARTBYVAETCj72nOYo/s1600/airplane+pic+5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv9VOJ-kJWLfcMBOWP_TLTSYyFQAeRWBQ6Nxqcdo8JiIe4DWyMcSZeYvnqTO0G6dZd6afXDZe75D8OvwRg_L7FNVWuwlYhXlcE7Gx15v4BMC0I3GlnJTqsnta9aTARTBYVAETCj72nOYo/s1600/airplane+pic+5.png" height="201" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">No problemo.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I guess we are all nomads on this planet. Life presents many
sojourns. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each destination is different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We travel together. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">But, the next time anyone embarks on an amazing race, take
me along.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll just review the instructions on my
safety manifesto, grab a barf bag, locate my ankles, and replenish my supply of
eyeball hyphens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I CAN DO THIS! </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">BRING IT ON!</span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-91543222043571271022014-05-25T16:06:00.001-07:002014-05-25T16:06:16.990-07:00From Time to Time
<br /><br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our family speaks proficient “soccer.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the mother tongue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And we consider ourselves articulate and
bilingual (trilingual if you count fluent expletive a legitimate second
language).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The World Cup is akin to the
Second Coming, and when we speak in tongues, we utter names like Borchers,
Messi and Beckham.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This prologue will be
important later.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Experience has taught me that Grandmas seem to have a
different relationship with time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now,
that doesn’t exactly disqualify us from the planet.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We just view the world through our own
peculiar lenses – with all the inherent distortions.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am a fervent admirer of still lifes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess that’s because basically I want a
suspension of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching grandchildren
grow up seems to violate my own larger order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Time imposes this violation with dispassionate efficiency and offends
the premise of stop-motion freeze frame. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Of course, this dispassionate efficiency
frequently collides with my own sentimentality. Sometimes the collisions are violent,
which compels a return to my third language (see prologue).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time is a tyrant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time and I have an adversarial
relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I notice a significant
imbalance of power.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ah, but I digress.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Almost every grandma I know tries to create a snakeless Eden
for her tribe, so we can all be together all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then she must re-calibrate her mind as
she wonders if she is capable of stepping up to the unavoidable inevitability…namely,
kids must leave the nest, and she must let them go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I ask you, who would want to leave
Eden?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, everyone.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">As a grandmother, I can hardly grasp the concept of the
grandchildren’s relentless drive to emerge from beneath my protective arm
flab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I suppose I fear they will grow
into their own pre-destined design and rocket into their future, leaving us all
in the Grand Suck of immense force.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
the Offspring seem to trust the purpose of their wings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
cool with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Coming of age is exhausting for all of us, but there seems
to be a Grand Scheme in place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
comforting.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Our oldest grandson, Abram, is a soccer savant, a phenom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He plays on the JV Olympus team, even though
he is still in Junior High.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">A while ago, the coach called him over to the sidelines and
asked him to play the second half of the varsity game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Did I mention the kid’s in 9<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup>
grade?)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, for Abram, it was a terrific opportunity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, it was a bladder check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He stood, lanky and composed, with his velvety
blond hair slightly wind-ruffled, and waited till the ref signaled the subs to
enter the field.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I, in contrast, sat in the bleachers, midgety, like a
citizen of a tribe of twisted aborigines, with tangled hair and a web of
wrinkles spreading tentacles under my eyes, muttering unintelligible wordless
growls, wheezing vocal punctuation, feeling slightly seasick, and praying I
wouldn’t fling a tantrum if one of the brutes named Caligula and Vlad on the
opposing team made felonious contact with my grandson!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My heart was in freefall and rattling against my ribs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was a hunched bundle of mushy entrails.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Attempting some degree of sensory deprivation, I allowed
myself only one liquidy eyeball to observe the action.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other I kept hidden behind my coat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In case of catastrophe, I could hide one eye
quicker than two.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You don’t emerge from such episodes thinking clearly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as I watched, the kid was amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His cheeks were pink and oxygenated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was confident, soldierly, and at ease with
himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I decided it was safe to
unveil the second eye, exit my blankety cocoon, and amend my posture so I wasn’t
scraping my knuckles on the ground.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
watched.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Abram delivered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We both survived.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Regaining one’s dignity is a mammoth task.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Life is a current of human experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And sometimes I feel like a camel on
ice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I have decided not to waste
time regretting the passage of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
calling a truce with the enemy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Easier
said than done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve held that image of
Abram stepping up to the line when the coach called his name, and recorded it
in my archival collection of memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That way I by-pass time and score a small victory over my nemesis.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Grandmas embody the sum of the experience of civilized man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are pilgrimage partners.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Years ago, when we got the news of Abram’s impending arrival,
it seemed time went by so slowly, its passage was barely visible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So while we waited, Dennis and I wrote a
letter to the person whose four cells were already saturating our minds and
hearts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t know then who was on
the way, so we addressed the epistle to the Wee Zygote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He eventually entered the world with
cacophonous lungs and gossamer hair. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
still has that hair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He assumed the
place we had saved just for him, and so far, the arrangement seems to be
satisfactory for everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nowadays, time passes so fast, it is barely visible.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Remembering takes us places where we should linger and
forget about everything but the deepest things.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Of course, there are certain rituals to be observed where
memory is concerned. As grandmas, we take an oath to forget certain things and make
a promise to remember others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Therefore, history is usually agreed upon by mutual consent.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That’s how we put things in order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-21162505736727133072014-04-27T16:23:00.001-07:002014-04-27T16:23:16.929-07:00Simplicity
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Walking a road already travelled is not always easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Retracing steps often makes it difficult to
contain one’s feelings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess that’s
the nature of memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can arrive
with overwhelming clarity, or in fragments, with smudged colors and contours,
lacking distinct definition, untidy, but with fresh shock and frequently
appalling weight of tenderness.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We all carry memories on our individual pilgrimages that
bear witness to our joys and unique pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is good.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I find I’m more reflective in Spring than I am even in
Autumn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And always when there are lilacs,
with those noble blossoms that belie their delicacy.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Roses are mighty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Lilacs have a compact dignity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All lives are governed by rhythms of their own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to resist pacing mine by dates on a
calendar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this weekend marks the
second anniversary of Dennis’ passing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We really have no protocol for such things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Life isn’t nearly as stable as we might wish.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I acknowledged the occasion by arranging for our grave
stone. It was not as unnerving as I had anticipated. No arches or columns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s simple and unremarkable. It will do.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is good to remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It fills the hollows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I understand things in a way I never have before.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">That’s strangely liberating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-73831294822091302102014-04-16T15:51:00.001-07:002014-04-16T15:51:06.877-07:00Person of Interest
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it about being blond, diminutive,
antiquated and dilapidated that inevitably alerts the TSA that I am a nefarious
terrorist with plans specifically engineered to annihilate the universe?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">What is it about my particular body plan – namely, a heartbeat
and a full set of limbs – that piques the olfactory properties of airline
security agents to sniff out the exceptionally delicate distinction between a
grandma going on a road trip with friends and an emotionally disheveled,
menopausal<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>bipedal hominid whose binary
code includes a propensity for kamikaze suicide missions?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now I realize I’m just one small part of a Sublime Whole,
but maybe it’s what life is all about – you attract what you dread.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And I dread flying.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">This is all prologue to an incident that took place recently
when a friend and I were to fly to Palm Desert for a girls’ retreat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sounds benign enough…four women with charge cards unleashed
on Paseo Drive.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We could hardly wait for the flight to be over and the
shopping to begin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I figured that
with enough planning and forethought, things would go smoothly, and I just
might make it through security without incident.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">WHAT WAS I THINKING???</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">My traveling companion is truly the sum of her parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every joint has been bionically enhanced with
titanium steel fashioned from the fires of Vulcan himself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is built for endurance rather than
decoration.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I, on the other hand, have all my original equipment,
derelict though it be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, my
appearance suggests a life of deprivation. In addition, I am careful to observe
cleavage protocol, although that is more a condition of circumstance than
choice. Basically, nothing to attract undue notice. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In short, I was ready for my close-up.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I tried to reassure my friend that when her joints triggered
the nuclear reactors, I would stand vigil over her belongings while the feds
conducted a cavity search.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Humiliation
minimizer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are friends for anyway?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Oh, how could I be a casualty of my own self-deceiving
blindness?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eileen passed through the
featureless machines with nary a blip on the radar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She emerged unscathed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was slick and unremarkable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The gods were smiling.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then it was my turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was in a different line.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
need to fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hadn’t I spent the past
month preparing through meditation, medication, and meticulous packing for this
very moment?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The instant I entered the time capsule, the entire alarm system
was triggered, the whole airport went into lockdown, and the Navy Seals
appeared with AK 47’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stood in a warm
squirt of adrenal fluid and a superabundance of secretions, as every
saucer-eyed passenger knew with irrefutable surety that I, the anatomically
threatening, was a strange and palpable menace.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">An employee, looking cross and officious, with a name tag
that I’m sure said ”Festus,” announced that they would have to do a “pat-down.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I replied, “Don’t touch my junk, bro.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But a woman was available to do the honors,
which gave a whole new meaning to the term “drag and drop.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Meanwhile, Festus methodically unspooled the clothes from my
bag with fevered delirium, checking for hazardous mascara and jammies that
might indicate relaxed morality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
offense to Festus, but where do they get these guys anyway?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He obviously wasn’t feathered with diplomas,
and while not exactly hostile, he knew I was not a source of peril.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about character assassination.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then they dusted my hands for explosives residue.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was mortified.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why
me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Apparently, the guy in front of me
with the dreadlocks tied back with a bungee cord in the shape of a noose, a mouth
grill studded with spikes and inlaid with shrunken heads, and a tatt that read,
“I know where the body is,” was no cause for alarm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He moved through the system without skipping
a beat.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Vaguely offended at the whole preposterous incident, I asked
why I, in particular, had been selected from the herd for such scrutiny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Why did I trigger the alarms?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why
am I a POI…a person of interest?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Festus replied with cryptic clarity, “You didn’t do
anything. It’s random.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Purely random.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Random.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Really???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just random.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OOOHHHKKKAAAYYY!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, sleep deprivation working on weak minds sent us into
spasms of hysteria.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We laughed without
shame, restraint or Depends all the way to Palm Desert.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the perfect beginning to our vacation.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There are still more days to travel in this life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess one could do worse than be a “person
of interest.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-88223995537135444262014-03-12T09:16:00.000-07:002014-03-12T09:16:12.500-07:00Bull's Eye
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s been a busy week. I’ve been trying to discover the
secret of life and the origins of the universe, solving for quadratic
equations, and contemplating the Theory of Relativity. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve observed Fat Tuesday, Pudgy
Wednesday, Tubby Thursday, Flabby Friday, and Corpulent Saturday in an effort
to purify my consciousness, plump my hippocampus and find the meaning of life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Not as easy as it sounds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a member emeritus of the Boomer Generation, this is our
constant quest for enlightenment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Personally, I think it would be easier to sign on for Odysseus’ voyage
to Ithaca than to become enlightened. I just want to take a nap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to manage all the stress coming
at us inhibits the flow of our life force, shifts our energy from vital organs,
and makes us REEEAAALLLYYY irritable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, just recently my accountant said I am “radically diversified. “
That’s a positive. (I think he was referring to my finances.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But I am training to be calm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am embracing my inner crabby as a means to cosmic wisdom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s easy to become emotionally eviscerated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The other night I saw “Les Miserables” for the fourth time
in a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good ole Victor
Hugo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He says in his book, “Nobody
knows like a woman how to say things that are both sweet and profound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sweetness and depth, this is all of
woman; this is Heaven.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WhatEVVVEER. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
set aside my book of social graces after the performance, and drove home entombed
in a veil of tears and mucus and emitting decidedly UNheavenly guttural
articulations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From now on, I’m
only going to watch brainless comedies, like presidential debates or the
Oscars, those models of banality, whose main components comprise a checklist
for depravity. Sporting facial orifices that are clammy and sodden is not the stuff
of fascinating womanhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Of course, changing the clock ahead and becoming
sleep-deprived by the omission of one hour of rest each night is not exactly
triage for ill temper.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> a cartoon on my nightstand that
keeps me focused on what is essential.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It says, “Life is simple.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’re born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have
birthdays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You shrink.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far, I’m right on track.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">At the moment, I’m involved in the planning of our class
reunion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope the event is as
fun as the meetings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We gather
regularly to upload memories and reminisce.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone will recall an incident that is flash-blinding and
leaves after-imaging of an event that had lain dormant for years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess time puts a halo on a lot of
things, but our memories are who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The past comes again to the present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reunions, gatherings, are crucial to our identity,
individually and collectively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s how we measure our progress through life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And all of us working on this committee are going through
the stages simultaneously:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were
born.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have birthdays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have shrunk. The fire within is
often obscured by the waddlesome flab without. Being part of this informal
clump makes for good fellowship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
still have teeth in the sockets, if not the bite force of years gone by.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So far, there is no evidence of reduced
autonomy in any of us…maybe a little automatic inertia.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">However, my darling daughters, in order to preserve their
places in my will, announced that the PBR (Professional Bull Riders) is coming
to Salt Lake, and they purchased tickets for the tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am THRILLED!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In an instant, all their past crimes
and misdemeanors were forgiven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">These girls realize the glorious “divine bovine” is my
passion, and making the arrangements to attend will be forever engraved in the
Great Ledger of their recorded decisions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Mick E. Mouse and Asteroid are animal athlete
superstars.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But Bushwhacker is on
a par with the stallions that pull Zeus’ chariot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This 2,000 pound parcel of hostility is dark, defiant, and
belligerent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He snorts and bellows
menacing oaths reminiscent of a mother under stress, and can render cowboys
perfectly stupid and acutely angled when he unceremoniously dumps them at a
dizzying trajectory into the dirt, little pieces of wreckage, long before 8
seconds have ticked off the timer.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bushwhacker owns the universe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is arrestingly handsome. This bull’s eyes are enormous and
brown and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>rimmed in long
lashes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His horns are precisioned
brackets and crown his head like a laurel wreath for the Olympian god he
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Unlike his more infamous predecessor, Bodacious, Bushwhacker
has no inclination to kill.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh,
no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He simply wants to eject a
presumptuous cowboy from off his haunches, inflict some gratuitous bodily harm,
(mangle, dent, wrench limbs from hinges, tear off lips, rip out tongues, and
other vocal apparatus, etc.) and slowly swagger out of the arena with
characteristic majestic disdain, irksome in his hubris.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">AND I CAAANNN’TTT WAY-ATE!!! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Bushwhacker is the perfect experience for the person, who,
in fevered delirium, wants to experience it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How exhilarating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And we have tickets on the third row, where the seats are up close and
personal…if a little odd smelling.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Maybe that’s what life is all about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In spite of the despair, the stress,
the difficulty, there is beauty and lovely memories…and odd moments when you
have the illusion that you’re in control of what is happening around you. Maybe
the theory of relativity is, ultimately, about relationships – that Victor Hugo
was right when he said, “ To love another person is to see the face of
God.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>life can be even more adventurous and
triumphant than 8 seconds on a bull named Bushwhacker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s what we aim for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s the bull’s eye.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Something to think about – and clasp to one’s bosom.</span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-8791259972154569362014-02-09T15:10:00.002-08:002014-02-09T15:10:44.173-08:00When I'm 64<div class="MsoNormal">
February 2014<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It seems to me that history tends to celebrate itself in
half-century increments. Last year was
the 50<sup>th</sup> anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. The airwaves assaulted us relentlessly with
repeated images of the carnage that have never lost their shock value. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is no harm in looking back – in occasionally going
retro. In fact, it’s an adventure to see
where we came from and where we’re going.
It gives us perspective and reminds us who we are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We tend to pace out our existence by the expiration dates on
milk cartons. And that can lead to quiet
desperation. It is crucial to review
history from an unobstructed view. It’s
strangely agreeable, because it is easy to forget what it’s like not to be like
this.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve heard it said that the richness of life lies in the
memories we have forgotten. Perhaps it’s
true. Memory has a miraculous ability to
adjust its contents to suit our needs.
Time ceases to have meaning.
Nostalgia provides us land vertebrates the singular gift of altering
critical pressure points into quaint, snug, homey occurrences of fond
remembrance. It is healthy to summon deeply
beckoning recollections. But it’s a long
and winding road going back home again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And so it is with 1964.
Fifty years ago, the Beatles landed in America, and the cry went out all
over the land with the fervor of Paul Revere:
“The British are coming! The
British are coming!” (Of course, these
were the prehistoric ages before twitter-verse!)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
America in 1964 was an extraordinary landscape. We dined on Swanson TV dinners as we tried to
reconnoiter following the annihilation of “Camelot,” that pitilessly deceptive
p.r. practical joke that exposed the show business of politics.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lyndon Baines Johnson, the awesomely unlovely heir apparent,
had assumed the throne. As a nation, we
were ragged and disheveled and acutely angled.
Life expectancy was 69.7 years.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And then came the iconic announcement by Ed Sullivan, the
legendary variety show host whose Mount Rushmore features denied him the
ability of facial expression, “Ladies and gentlemen…THE BEATLES!”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that, all other rock celebrities, including Elvis, were
rendered obsolete and unceremoniously turfed out.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The British Invasion was on the scale of the decline and
fall of the Roman Empire in historical notoriety. Perfect timing. Being young was not a critical disease,
although parents were disgusted and dismayed at what was trending, and expended
great energy in their efforts to render triage and find a cure.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All things are balanced by their opposites. Adults saw the new music as a great
conspiracy to pillage and plunder the impressionable youth and give us a ticket
to ride down a steep and precipitous descent into dereliction. Consequently, anything
that’s confined has a natural instinct to escape. And the teenagers embraced the movement as
liberation – most definitely a clash of opposites – an ancestral rite of
passage since Adam.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Society shapes itself by what it rejects. Parents and offspring, through mutual
rejection of values, cancelled each other out, and the conflicting generations,
refusing to hold hands and let it be, hardly recognized the strangers they had
become.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We never know when we are making a memory, until we look
back and find we have quite a collection of yesterdays. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have always loved the music of the Beatles. The tunes are
just made for road trips and disharmonic sing-alongs in high-voltage decibels. I suppose if I had to narrow their songs down
to a favorite few, it would have to be “Blackbird” and “There Are Places I
Remember.” After emerging from storms
and finding calm again, the lyrics take a sad song and make it better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mankind is compelled to compile lists - rankings and gauges
to quantify everything from the best to the worst of, well, everything. I’m not sure just where the Beatles rank
among the great artists and musicians of all time. Probably ahead of Miley Cyrus and Justin
Bieber, and just behind David and his lyre.
No matter. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Such inventories are
best left to algorithms and quantitative data analysts to decide. We don’t have to synchronize verb tenses. We
can work it out. A good tune and lyrics of emotion transport all of us to a
place where we are concealed and healed, and all our troubles seem so far away. What more can we ask? <o:p></o:p></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-51163096975427569382014-01-19T15:40:00.000-08:002014-01-19T15:40:04.342-08:00Tale Spin
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I suppose that since man first evolved into a multi-celled
organism and crawled out of the primordial slime, we have always loved
stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Myths, legends, histories
define us as a culture, and tell us who we are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are vital because they embody the mystical powers of
mankind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a magnetic pull
to a well-told story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a kind
of magic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Every family should have at least one griot, one sage to
relate the oral histories and tell the stories of the people that populate the
Tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If it is true that your past forms you, I can see why Brodi
became the designated storyteller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She has always loved books, and began reading at the age of three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mythology was a particular
favorite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And every night, Dennis
read to the girls.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s also true that all writing is, to some extent,
autobiographical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing goes to
waste.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All Brodi’s values,
beliefs, experiences, memories, old wounds, and associations become the stuff
of stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I, too, love well-told tales.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of my favorites are those with tight plots that raise
the hair on the arms or send a prickling sensation at the back of the neck,
like the Weird Sisters in “Macbeth.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Of course, less skilled stories, like vulgar reality shows, become mired
in pointless notoriety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good
stories don’t just fill the void.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They inspire us as a culture and as individuals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writing is an art.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Brodi’s saga has magic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Her book launch is next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the third and final installment of her “Everneath”
trilogy, and it is quite a ride!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Brodi has a gift.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is a
spinner of yarns.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A fabulist. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A story-teller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I’m not saying that just because
I’m her mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the
contrary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As her mother, I tend to
give more desiccating critiques than had we not been umbilically bound. I don’t
really know the source of her talent. Perhaps the explanation is simply that
she is a collection of recessive genes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Who knows?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It’s not easy being a mother under any circumstances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most of us are profoundly myopic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I, in particular.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My emotions can fluctuate from solar
flare to polar vortex in a twinkling. There have even been occasions when I
have channeled my inner Nosferatu.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I guess it goes with the territory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes motherhood is the ultimate blood sport.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And watching one’s daughter on the night of her book launch
can be a real bowel scourer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At
moments I just sit there, toad-eyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At other times, I seem to have 10,000 hexagonal lenses, all in permanent
winces.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Not so with Dennis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He was always amused and delighted by
her charming state of dishevelment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now, it isn’t that he thought our daughters could do no wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quite the opposite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Experience taught us that if there was
mischief afoot, our daughters were not only involved…they were the instigators…a
mind-blowing combination of match and gunpowder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Talk about gluts and deficits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were times when a day without
police or lawyers at our door was a good day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our girls were fueled by energy and felonious ingenuity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They didn’t just run…they
rampaged.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And there were stages
when every request, rule, requirement was met with resistance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">No, Dennis never thought his
daughters were perfect, but if they could get him laughing, which was not
difficult, they could turn his delight to their advantage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His forbearance for the specifics of
each girl always had a sedative effect on me, and calmed the constantly
shifting topography of my mind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Being a father is different than
being a mother. I guess it’s the laws of nature, but I think motherhood is the
ultimate impossibility.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have an amalgam of favorite female
literary characters, who, though fictional, are riveting exemplars of what
women are capable of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Antigone,
the daughter of Oedipus and Jocasta, Odysseus’ wife, the faithful and resourceful
Penelope, Hotspur’s warrior-hearted spouse, Lady Percy, and Grendal’s
protective and vengeful mother from Beowulf, just to name a few.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These women are spirited, flawed,
nuanced and powerful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not exactly
the stuff of “Fascinating Womanhood!” Good characters alter you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Brodi’s main character, Nikki
Beckett,<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a> is high voltage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She is passionate, willful, impulsive, feckless (without
feck), well-intentioned but often ill-advised, and should be saluted for her
courage if not always her judgment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Brodi sculpts Nikki with a combination of precise language, metaphor and
a certain poetry that makes this creation flawed and authentic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No empty rhetoric.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nikki is a particular favorite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She ranks among the notables.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In spite of Brodi’s efforts at
invisibility, it doesn’t take a Rhodes’ Scholar to intuit the autobiographical
elements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fictional writing is the
ultimate reveal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brodi, like
Nikki, would go to hell and back for those she loves…and has.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I guess in the end, each of us is
greater than the sum of our parts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s our salvation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 4.0in;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I’ll be sitting on the front row
Tuesday night, the sum of many parts…and two hearts…because daughter – Family –
trumps everything. </span></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-21177715214195146402013-12-25T15:35:00.003-08:002013-12-25T15:35:53.805-08:00Festival of Trees
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves>false</w:TrackMoves>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridHorizontalSpacing>
<w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>18 pt</w:DrawingGridVerticalSpacing>
<w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayHorizontalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>0</w:DisplayVerticalDrawingGridEvery>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:DontAutofitConstrainedTables/>
<w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/>
</w:Compatibility>
</w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="276">
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]-->
<!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:12.0pt;
font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<!--StartFragment-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Trying to pull off the annual Christmas Norman
Rockwell/Currier & Ives perfect holiday extravaganza, is akin to hoisting a
bag of cement on your shoulders, while simultaneously heaving a box of
Physician Desk References up a steadily increasing steep incline.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The load is inert and weighty, and transfers enormous
amounts of unsustainable strain to one’s pale and quivering, cellulite-laced
thighs, buckling knees, and causing bizarre and aberrant behavior.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This staggering process begins innocently enough around
Labor Day, when the first Christmas trees appear in display windows, directly
adjacent to the zombie-apocalypse costumes, and the occasional Yuletide carol
inserts itself into airtime on the local rock ‘n roll stations. One is easily
deceived into thinking the gradual ascent into “The Holidays” is a stroll in
the park.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But it soon becomes abundantly clear that the load morphs
into one of profound heaviness that can leave you feeling curiously light-headed
in a “not there” sort of way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
like trying to inch up the hill like Sisyphus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The eyes don’t exactly focus, and one takes on that dazed
and vacant look, like the after-effect of a sugar high and a glut of tedious
holiday re-runs smothered in too much sentimentality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">You begin to watch yourself doing things in a somewhat
disturbing, out-of-body perspective, vaguely aware of being slightly out of
synch with the spatial orbit of the world…like we’re one shingle short, devoid
of certifiable cognitive function.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Each year it becomes easier to sink into insipid vapidness
and mutter vulgarisms in a corner, because of stress hormones that have
multiplied exponentially - compromising our analytical reasoning ability.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">But this year, the entire Ashton clan re-thought
Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We decided we would not
be chloroformed by the seasonal frenzy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Perhaps this is the year to imagine the future and remember the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is as if we have come through a
storm, and all is calm again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The holidays become frenetic – empty and cluttered at the
same time…a model of banality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
would be different this year.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">As an extended Family, we decided it would be appropriate to
enter a tree in Dennis’ honor for the Festival of Trees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This, we felt, was particularly
appealing, because it would embody all he held sacred – the care and welfare of
children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All proceeds go directly
to Primary Children’s Hospital, a place Dennis devoted his heart and soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These children were not just his patients.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were his “Super Troopers,” a term
of endearment and deep respect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">After months of planning, preparation and pride, we
assembled the tree – dedicated to Dr. Ashton’s Super Troopers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We knew the tree would be sincere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We just hadn’t realized it would also
be beautiful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When it was completed, we gathered around it in dumbfounded
silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">We looked at the tree in quiet reverie, each of us lost in
our own memories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trying to speak
with lumpy throats just made us all sound like representatives of the “Lollipop
Guild.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Soon I noticed my little Asher was rather subdued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ash is my high-octane, raging ball of
kinetic fur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He is the original
free radical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So anything less
than percussive is noteworthy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Suddenly, he turned away from the tree, and with a face
contorted with sorrow and mucus, he buried himself in my midsection and wept
without shame or restraint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
seemed to grant permission for what was inevitable for all of us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I curled around him, and the family instinctively drew into
a tight circle – The Clot in a knot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And then, slowly, we all hug-walked from the tree.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">In a way, it was liberating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were no longer casualties of pointless holiday
mania.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our hefty burden of sorrow
became an investment of hope for the children Dennis served and reverenced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The world knows little of its greatest heroes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">As we wept, a thought occurred to me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What causes us to weep, caused our
Savior to bleed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He understands
our grief, abs<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a>orbs our despair, and mourns with us. His
love sustains us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Promises were
made, and promises were kept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
coalesced the vapors, and we are no longer as heavily laden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have rest and peace, comfort and
joy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If it is possible to find the true Spirit of Christmas, we
have.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Brodi Ashtonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13895732483547245372noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5695834420114376437.post-38098372795483760832013-11-26T14:14:00.001-08:002013-11-26T14:14:43.948-08:00I See
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It was a perfect autumn day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Not too cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jacket
weather.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just right…for another doctor’s
appointment!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It seems all my annual
check-ups fall in the autumn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really
don’t like being my own care-taker, but I’m just trying to put things in
order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a colossal task, one that
demands patience and fortitude that I didn’t know I had.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I confess I rather dread these excursions into the various
clinics, overflowing with lab coats and congenial office personnel.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Grinning nurses always trigger paroxysms of
anguish, and I begin breathing head-lightening quantities of CO2.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What peculiar rituals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The techs drain my infinitesimally private
bodily secretions into trickling pools of humiliation to examine under a cold,
unforgiving, soulless microscope.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
then they return with test results, diplomatically explaining that my shiny
vitreous crystals, my lavishly polluted flaky biotate mica, and a dazzlingly confused
biological geology confirm what they have long suspected…I’m eroding away to
detritus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So last<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>week when I
went for my eye exam, I hid my dread behind my best game expression, assuming a
detached strata of consciousness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did
not want the doctor to enter the room and be confronted by a woman with eyes
like a startled beast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">(I have reached that point in life when you consider it the
supreme triumph to fog a mirror and have a full set of limbs.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, the doctor went about placing drops in my eyes to
dilate them, so he could beam his arc light into my pupils and cause aggravated
brain freeze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then he got right into
my face and asked me to read teeny weeny passages in a darkened room that
became incrementally tinified, and I developed a migraine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Finally, in a merciful act of benevolence, he
concluded his scrutiny of my eyeballs and delivered his verdict.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">With enthusiastic vigor and fevered delirium, he announced I
had the best cataracts on the planet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Whattttt???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
catarAAAACCCCKS???? I shrieked, losing every shred of my mysterious serenity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">He said yes, explaining that the forward rush of life can be
hostile, one of the perils of this hostility being <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>cataracts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, my cataracts are so minimal, they were not even worth
mentioning. He explained that everybody “of a certain age,” has cataracts. It’s
normal. I think that’s optometrist-speak for, “You’re old.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But he just has never seen such preposterously
undiscernible cataracts as mine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Apparently my eyes have gone from 20/25 to 20/20.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Well, I finally caught the vision, so to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was as happy as the day I found out
caffeine is a natural pesticide.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
became giddy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I left that exam room
warbling, “I Can See Clearly Now,” “My Eyes Are Watching You,” “She’s Got Betty
Davis Eyes,” “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Furthermore, the good doctor said I have excellent
eyeballs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I’ve decided to flaunt
them with studied ostentation and pomposity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We all have our physical attributes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But when you have a figure like the number 11, you take your curves
where you can get them! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am reluctant to toot my own vuvuzela, but I plan to expose
my visual prowess by reading the side effects on every prescription bottle in
the pharmacy, with one eye tied behind my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I will peruse the telephone book as recreation, take up crocheting, and
spend my leisure time threading needles with spider silk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will guzzle lutein, and swill shakes of liquefied
spinach and carrot juice from a straw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
will look at every vista and adopt a confident gaze with eyes of chipped
granite. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Hey, it’s not a sin to over-indulge in things that are good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">IN YO FACE, HEIDI KLUM! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Dennis and Joanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03010377564523075511noreply@blogger.com3