After every Halloween comes November. We began celebrating the transition at 12:01 a.m. – not because we were partying, but because we’d overwhelmed our digestive systems with scones and hot chocolate consumed at a speed unsustainable by our age. I believe there’s actually a mathematical formula for figuring the intake/biological-rejection-time ratio for really old people.
So we raised a cup of “projectile pink” Pepto Bismol and belched a toast to the new month in unison. It was one of our proudest moments.
November is a month of promise and possibilities. It’s just that we have to get beyond October before November arrives. Now, no one isn’t graphically aware of how much our family hates Halloween. In fact, Brodi has re-named that day as National Suck It, Doc Day. How appropriate. But we did receive some much appreciated assists in getting us through dreaded October.
The first was courtesy of our grandson, Carter. Of course, pink is the color of breast cancer awareness month. It is the color of hope. It is also the color of Carter’s costume. Nothing gothic for this kid, no sir. He was a pink human woopie cushion! We all agreed it was most appropriate for the occasion.
Another significant assist came on our recent pilgrimage to Houston. Dr. Wolff was very pleased with Dennis’ progress. At one point he stood over him and said, “Just look at him! He’s amazing. And he’s not going anywhere any time soon.” I took that straight to the bank.
Dr. Wolff further reiterated that the way to fight this disease is with brute force, as if battling some foul and narcissistic creature from the Black Lagoon. We were with him so far.
But then he lost us. Dr. Wolff said that after inflicting blunt force trauma, we should consider backing off chemo for a while.
Oh yeah, like that’s going to happen. We have fought so hard for so long, and have reduced the number and size of the nodules by half. Was he actually suggesting we “un-chemo?” AS I-IIIIIFFFF! No. No. No.
But apparently, Dr. Wolff is smarter than I am. He said that those who take a chemo break actually do better over-all. Hmmmmm.
OK. OK. We promised we’d confer with our family about it and then decide.
When we discussed the issue with Erin and Brodi, we all agreed that because of the degree of difficulty involved, this called for drastic action. We reasoned that in order not to squander our existence or our options, we’d go platinum en masse. When in doubt, bleach it out. Lightening our hair always enlightens our minds. It’s easier to get to our alpha state when blond. And, it’s cheaper than recreational cosmetic surgery.
So the girls and I assembled around Erin’s bathroom sink, shrouded in towel turbins like terry cloth burqas, empty boxes of Loreal platimum 01 littering the countertops like spent cartridges, and foamed our collective scalps. We muttered incantations over our cauldrons of peroxide, reciting ancient recipes dating back to Jean Harlow calling for eye of Newt, Mitt and Herman and invoking the spirit of Dulcolax, which caused our squirt bottles to foam and bubble by the light of the full moon.
To ensure maximum potency, we drank anything with caffeine and ate our weight in Halloween candy. Within an hour, we went platinum…and then we went stupid. Too many calories per hour, but we really put the “duh” in “duhlicious.” We rocked blond!
But most importantly, as we emerged from our cocoon of platinum, our family had arrived at a 3-pronged plan of action:
We are considering ablating two nodules in Dennis’ right lung. This involves killing the buggers with high intensity microwaves. I offered to shout dirty words down Dennis’ wind pipe, but he didn’t think that would have the same burn capability. I’m not so sure.
While ablation is invasive, it is not a huge operation. (My way wouldn’t require anesthetic, but whatev.)
If all goes well, Dennis will take a chemo vacation for several weeks under strict surveillance. We will then celebrate with significant G-force, which includes daily “Tebowing,” and give the stink eye to cancer.
We gathered in a very blond huddle, and after a moment of silence, we shouted in unison, “Happy ‘Suck It, Doc’ Day!”