Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wardrobe Malfunction and the "PANCAN" Top Ten

Here's the update: Today was a good day- the Clot had a break from the Cancer Institute. Dad's spirits and will are strong. In fact, even as we write, he's doing our grocery shopping. (Just the essentials: Milk and Diet Coke). He's slowly losing the yellow "designer Jaundice" color we were so grateful for. (It was the sign that led us to the @$%&* mass). There has been some discomfort with the stent (the tube inserted into his side to help drain the bile). But we are hoping to surgically internalize it on Monday, thanks to some very helpful doctors. Tomorrow he meets with the Chemo doctor to decide on the drugs that will go with the radiation.

With the hiatus from the hospital today, the Clot has had way too much time on their hands. Since the Hollywood writers are on strike, we have been honing our comedic skills, as evidenced below. Our "Tonight's Top Ten" bottoms out at number seven.

It's an interesting perspective to be on the other side of the stethoscope. Today was a day off from procedures. Dennis has gone through Haute Couture Hospital Attire withdrawl. He's becoming so used to the gowns that he neglects to tie them up. He has claimed "wardrobe malfunction" but the Clot has long suspected that he is really a closet flasher.

As you can tell from Yesterday's pictures, we were unable to arrange for J-O-A-N to be spelled out in block letters on his chest. The technicians claimed it was "gratuitous Tatts" and they do not indulge in "Chest Graffitti."

We were informed that the chemo would be too mild to endanger the two remaining hairs left on his head. They assured us that his nasal fur would also remain pretty much intact. So the Clot's plans to pull a "Britney Spears" and have a mass shaving of the heads has been shelved for the time being. Noting our disappointment, Dennis suggested that we substitute a ceremonial shaving of the legs instead. We have agreed to comply. We are all making sacrifices. (Weed Wacker Anyone?)

Top Ten Terms You'll never find in a Medical Dictionary

1. Mass Avenger: Dr. Sean Mulvihill.
2. Mass Transit: The Whipple Procedure (My suggestion of blasting the @$&*% mass into outer darkness with my Sigourney Weaver fire uzi was duly noted by the medical staff, but ultimately rejected.)
3. Mass Communication: Harsh language, or calling the @$%*& mass any cuss word consisting of four or more letters and deemed inappropriate by polite society.
4. Ducts: What we're trying to keep in a row.
5. Duct Tape: Method by which we're keeping all of our ducts in a row.
6. Panache (pronounced Pan-Ash): Medical shorthand for "Ashton Pancreas".
7. Liver: What we're ultimately trying to be.

You must know that your love, faith and prayers are sustaining us at this time. We will ever be grateful. There are many things being done on our behalf, both seen and unseen. The Clot is struggling to find words to say thank you.

the Clot


Dan Katy Madilyn Preston said...

Dear wonderful friends,neighbors and Maddi and Preston favorite Dr. You are in our thoughts and prayers!
Love, the Carter's

Anonymous said...

I grew up Catholic but fell away from the church long ago. My parents are still faithful and my Dad goes to church everyday. They are praying and we are hoping for very good karma from that end. FIGHT HARD we are behind you. Love, Kate O'Mara and family

Anonymous said...

Hi all, your brother Dave here-- finally. If I could read the dang email right I would have joined the Clot sooner this week, but we have been in the fray since last Friday. My kids all have gotten the message too, by now, so there is definitely more Clot power than ever.
We are encouraged about the prognosis so far and will continue our faith and prayers in your behalf. We know of some of what Dennis are going through ourselves and are living proof of God's blessings. We pray continually that He will bless and guide all who are involved with this through to a positive end. Go gettem Den, the Clot is with you!

Love ya Bro, Dave and Sandy Ashton

Marianne Ogg said...

I am so glad you guys put a blog up! My dad has been getting many phone calls from me this week wondering how you all are doing. As I was reading the blog entries, I could help but crack up laughing. You know, I can send you some Nioxin Shampoo/Conditioner that may give the 2 hairs on Dennis's head some hope. And maybe, instead of shaving his legs....wax them :) Kenton and I are praying for you guys! Stay strong Uncle Dennis and lean on your support (Joannie, the girls, and their families) when you need a little extra on those harder days!

Marianne (Ashton) Ogg

joan said...

Hi Dennis,
Don't you just love that PICC line! I thought it was awful until I saw someone that had chosen not to get one. After that I thought it was great - albiet extremely inconvenient for showering, etc. We continue to pray for you an think of you ofte. You have some great cheerleaders with your "clot". Please know you have many more cheering for you as well. we know the Lord will bless you.
Joan and Adonis Nielson

Paul said...

Enthused and bemused by your reports. Only two things are upsetting:--

1- Never knew that Joan's nom de plume was BOMBECK. There's not a writer out there that can hold a candle to her.... and we never knew it until "The Clot."

2- It was a bit lacking in taste in a recent blog photo to mount a headshot of Dennis on top of a picture of my torso that appeared in a recent issue of "Hunk."

Hope the PIICP or whatever it is that you're inhaling, works to the good PDQ!

We are P.E.D. (praying every day) for your strength, comfort and progress. No day goes by without specific mention of "The Clot."

We know that the Hurdler in Dennis is running faster and better than ever.... and what a coaching Staff!


The Jensens