Sunday, July 6, 2008

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'

We are now on the Monday rotations for Dennis’ chemo infusions, and it is such a pleasant way to begin the week. We fill up his tank in the morning, and we’re good through Sunday. Dennis’ lab numbers were down a “skosh,” but they decided to give him the full pint anyway.

Gemcitobene infusions are always cause for celebration, so to commemorate the occasion, we decided to drive up to Midway and attend an authentic Indian POW WOW before Dennis commenced with the nausea. I never really understood just what a Pow Wow was. It was a remarkable demonstration. There was such an atmosphere of tribal camaraderie and festivity, and all the participants wore the most beautiful native costumes of every color imaginable. There was a profusion of bird feathers adorning each ensemble and worn with elegance, dignity and pride. And they danced with conviction to drums and chants celebrating peace, harmony, brotherhood and love. At the conclusion of the PowWow, the chief did the Dance of the Eagle Feathers Staff, and everyone joined in. (Dennis and I sat this one out because he is so skinny, and I am so blond. In addition we got the boot from the judges of "So you Think You can POW-WOW") But we watched in earnest…and learned.

And then we began our descent down Parley’s Canyon, feeling warm and cuddly and singing “Kumbaya.” That lasted about a nano second. Talk about an exercise in contradiction! We were thrust back into reality on the first lane change! There was an ornithological exchange display among the vehicle population that made the PowWow seem bird-deprived by comparison. It gave new meaning to the term “flagrant fowl!”

It seems the single-digit greeting is standard-even anticipated- now days, and is so ubiquitous that one is de-sensitized to any shock value, which renders the exercise rather impotent. In fact, as spectators, we realized that there are some very entertaining and distinct patterns discernible in the ritual bird exchange…there is sincere and viable diversity of ornithological gestures. Caught in the cross-fire of flying flanges, we felt like research psychiatrists doing field study , analyzing the vast variety of sub-species and interpreting the underlying psychological pathology…sort of a perverted parlor game of “Name That Psychosis!”

Following is a list of “pigeon”holes we observed:
1. The Whole Flock or Multiple Personality salute: This involves the multi-passenger, ambidextrous, double-digit formational panoramic, all-inclusive salute. The host flipper leads his fellow flippers in synchronized geometric designs that would be the envy of an Olympic competition swimming event. It’s like a still-life, where all the pointy silhouettes resemble a forest of conifers against the evening sky at sunset. A moment frozen in time. It’s lovely, really.
2. The Deranged Narcissistic Complex salute: Also known as the Prolonged Single-Digit salute. Obviously it centers on the solitary birder. There are, however, some serious side-effects with this particular activity, because after so many hours, a call to one’s doctor seeking immediate medical help is recommended.
3. The Equal Opportunity exercise: (Sometimes known as “Scatter Shot”) This sign is flashed without restraint not only to the intended target, but also in every conceivable direction of the compass both longitudinally and latitudinally to include as many collateral vehicles as possible. This is considered friendly fire and goes by the mantra, “No Car Left Behind.”
4. The Manual Dexterity performance: (Also known as the Small Muscle Dexterity Flaunt) Usually displayed with endearing enthusiasm, great vigor, and amiability. The auxiliary digits gracefully bend around the central character to provide a tastefully artistic background with just enough restraint to not detract from the main attraction of the tableau. There seems to be no rational explanation for this particular phenomenon other than some guys just are free-lance birders.
5. The Casual Salute: The action of this rhythmic, back-and-forth gesture is borderline parade wave accompanied by a splendidly vacuous thin grin. (Can be symptomatic of social indifference, a lack of feeling of self-worth, or utter and prolonged sleep deprivation.)
6. The Paranoid Delusional or Soaring Talon salute: In this case, even the glaring fact that there has been no viable offense committed, it is flipped just in case someone is out to get him. This syndrome is most often indicative of those leading a life of devoted self-absorption, whose main claim to fame is the repetitive, machine gun, rapid fire, execution-style agility born of delusions of grandeur and a sense of entitlement. Not usually lethal, but often unintentionally comical!
7. The Mutually Co-dependent exchange: This is one of those socially awkward situations in which their overt feelings of inadequacy prompt one to feel obligated to return another flipper’s salute even though you know you may be accused of enabling. Often one must resort to “tough love.” This can be as hard on the birdee as on the birder. (Studies have shown support groups and rehab are frequently effective under therapeutic circumstances.)
8. Finally, the Holier-Than-Thou genuflect: As the name implies, this is simply the situation in which both the finger AND the nose are in the air. The birders in this syndrome generally love the buzz of this addictive exercise and its perceived empowerment, and do not welcome any efforts at intervention, prohibition, moderation, repression or remorse.

Our scientific investigation verified unequivocally the old adage, “Birds of a feather really do flock together.” It is fairly obvious that when one’s annoyance receptors are sufficiently blocked, observing the astonishing silliness of the bizarre and depraved qualifies as a most entertaining spectator sport!

There is so much to be learned when driving our highways. We have been edified by truck drivers in particular. Recently, there was some road construction going on that slowed traffic considerably. And there was a long line of big rigs…all the trucks were in a row, so to speak. Of course, everyone’s hazard lights were flashing, as is protocol. At the end of this long line of over-sized dinosaurs, was a Mini Cooper, whose hazard lights were also flashing. Talk about a big-rig wannabe! Visually, it was very funny. Now, I am ordinarily rather intimidated by the size of these vehicles, and the drivers’ sometimes galactic lack of consideration for their fellow travelers. However, the driver of the MiniCooper was blond with no apparent regard for the reputation of her sister platinums (platinuma?), holding a gigantic big gulp in one hand and talking on her cell phone with the other. Guess which vehicle struck the greatest terror in my heart! Aah, but I digress.
Anyway, on the back of one of the trucks was a two-line invitation that read:
“Be a flirt.
Lift your shirt.”
Well, we debated about accepting the challenge, but finally, against advice to the contrary,…Dennis lifted his shirt. When the driver looked in our car and assessed the possible options, he laughed and gave thumbs up. It was rather refreshing to see a different finger erected for a change. I personally took no offense. I considered it just another random gesture of trucker congeniality.

July is the month we celebrate the birth of our nation. This land is holy land. And fireworks are best observed with a grandchild on the lap.

I have not only a passion, but a reverence for history and the events that took place before we were born. Each new generation hears the echoes of the past.

There is a remarkable grandeur to our history, and just as remarkable grandeur to our present. Among the lessons learned must be a specific code of conduct: honor, dignity, compassion, are just a few of the virtues we must assume as we work through our own battles, wars, crises and heartaches. If we meet honor with honor, if we are courageous in the face of overwhelming adversity, and if, when there is nothing else we can possibly do, we simply bear witness, we will, by our very conduct, further sanctify and maintain the holiness of this land.

To paraphrase Winston Churchill:

This fortress built by nature for herself.
This blessed plot.
This earth.
This realm.
This America!

Love to all,
The Clot

2 comments:

New York Sims said...

Awesome! I can't wait to evaluate some one-finger salutes tomorrow! =]

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that you both are maintaining your humor. I would have loved to see the driver when he saw Dennis' shirt go up. Hang in there! Chris C